Wow, what a long break!

I was just thinking yesterday, that I should have a blog. And then I remembered that I DO have a blog... it has just been sitting for oh, 3 1/2 years idly. So this morning, I decided to grab the feather duster and the windex and open it back up.

I have a lot to write about, and since basically no one has ever read my blog, it serves as a journal of sorts as well.

What have I been doing for the last 3 1/2 years? Too much!

For starters, we are now living in California! San Diego to be exact, and I must say... I have never lived anywhere that takes my breath away like this place does. It was completely crazy how we ended up here, but you know what? God knows best! He took us from the congestion and chaos of the northeastern metroplex and put us in truly one of the most beautiful places on earth or at least in this country. I love it here, honestly, I am smitten beyond words. I have never been to a place where the air actually sparkles, but here in San Diego- it does!
There is much more to say, but it will have to wait. Even though I want to blog, I also have other things to attend to today.
Be back later!

Happy Birthday, Mom

Ok, please ignore the fact that I haven't blogged in ummm 6 months?!?

Today is my Mom's birthday, and it was finally something that I wanted to write about rather than just complaining about the sorry state of my life right now. Or that two years out of 5 is too long, much too long to be seperated from your husband.

Today, my Mother would have been 68 years old. Still not old... at least not by today's standards. This is her 3rd birthday in Heaven.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, although usually when I do now, it is with smiles and laughter over something funny that she once did or said and not so much sadness. There was a time, not long ago that I wondered if I would ever get to the place where I could do that.

I miss you Mom, each and every day. I love you... Happy birthday!

My beautiful daughter...

Tuesday is the 14th birthday of my oldest daughter, Meghann.



When we found out about her impending arrival, it was a bit of a shock as we held her 6 month old brother. There was a bit of panic about having two babies so close together, and giving birth while Rich was out to sea. But every bit of that melted away the first time I saw her on the ultrasound. Even at 20 weeks, she had chubby cheeks and was completely adorable. It wasn't ideal timing... but we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or perfect daughter.

When she was born, she didn't even cry, just started breathing. She has had a mellow temperment throughout her life. She has brought her Dad and I, along with our entire family so much joy!

Meghann deals with life in such a mature way, moving, the loss of her beloved Grandmother. I really cannot say enough good things about her. She is our princess, our Cinderella and we love her so so very much.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! We hope that your 14th year is your most magical one yet!

This is so hard

Hey Everyone
No, I really didn't fall off the face of the earth... I have just been very quiet the past month or so. Reflective.

I feel most of the time as though I am stuck in a time warp, every day is the same, and my main goal is just to get through the days. That's all I want, is to just get through the days.
I miss Rich so much, I cannot even find the words to describe it. I need him more than I like to admit to myself. He is truly my other half, and without him, life itself is just difficult. We did have a wonderful time when he was here in March!

Very soon it will be Meghann's birthday, now my baby girl will be 14 years old, which I cannot believe. I will write a post dedicated to her in the next few days.

I will try to post in the next day or so, and be more regular. 8 months 12 days left to go...

11 weeks, One more day and 16 years

Isn't that an odd title for a blog post?

Well the 11 weeks, that is how long it's been since I've seen Rich of course. An impossibly long time, too long. 43 weeks left to go.

One more day, that means that he will be here tomorrow night. I am so excited, yet I find myself struggling with mixed emotions. I am so excited to see him (couldn't sleep last night) yet my heart aches all the same. The kids and I are more or less adjusted to him not being here now. And re-setting the clock is painful, each and every time you have to say goodbye it's worse. Sigh... God, just let me see the good in this and give me strength. Don't let me dwell on the fact that next week, he will be in the nastiest dirt hole of the middle east.

16 years... It was 16 years ago today that I met my dear husband. What seems at times to be an entire lifetime ago, yet only yesterday all the same. The luckiest day of my life to be sure.
I love this man, I have loved him since the day I met him and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, such a wonderful human being in my life!

15 years ago....

15 years ago, I was in labor. A process that dragged on endlessly, for nearly 30 hours. But which gave me the best gift, my son. My only son.

I remember lying there on the operating table after the Dr finally delivered you, and listening to you cry. And I remember so well, the first time they placed you in my arms. I was immediately awestruck, and wondered how it was possible for a human being to love another human being so immediately and completely.

You were such a good baby, and you and Mommy did everything together until you were 3 months old and we were back with Daddy. Then it was the 3 of us who did everything together. Going to the movies, out to dinner. So many special times. Holding you up by your hands so I could dip your little feet in the Pacific, only to have you get struck by a wave. You sputttered and then laughed. Climbing into the bathtub on your own, while Mommy was filling it with water. The way you used to hold my finger when I nursed you. So many precious memories.

Now, you are nearly a man. I look at you, so tall. You remind me so much of your Dad, but you have much of me in you as well. I am so proud of you, with your little mustache that's growing in. With your physical capabilites, the way you are so fiercely competitive on the football field.
I am so proud of you, and man you are becoming. And, Matthew Ryan, I still wonder how one person can love another so completely. All I know is that with you, it's been easy.
I love you so much!

Happy 15th Birthday, Buddy!

Another month gone...

Today is the last day of February, yay! Each and every month I can mark off of the calendar is a month closer to my husband being home, and life being "normal" again. Besides that, I hate winter and Jan/Feb are the worst months of the year for me. I used to include March in that equation, but since my son was born in March, it's not such a terrible month any longer. His birthday is in 6 days! Which leads me to a funny story... Matt is a health nut, and an exercise junky. He doesn't like to eat any sweets.

Well, yesterday I am at the store, shopping for groceries and I am peering at the cake selection. I happened to be on my cell phone with Rich, and I asked him what kind of cake I should buy buddy for his birthday. Well, we used to be able to buy him carrot cake, because we convinced him that it was healthy because it had carrots in it. Sometime in the past year, he has figured out that is not the case (darn!!) so I am back to square one. So I couldn't decide on what to do, finally I told Rich that I was going to buy Matt a relish tray, and stick a candle in the middle of it. When I mentioned that to Matt last night, he giggled and told me that a cheesecake would be an acceptable alternative. So I guess we are going to do that. Goofy kid!! He's a great guy, my son. All of my kids are great, really. We have been very blessed. I just cannot believe how grown up they are getting. Iwas sitting here at the computer the other day and he walked past me, I couldn't believe how TALL he was.

I am doing ok at the moment. Last night the left side of my chest was hurting very badly, I was in tears. I seem to be feeling better today, just a dull ache. I am more than ready for this bronchitis to leave. "Ok, you have made my life miserable long enough, you can go now."

Hope everyone has a great weekend, I am going to try and follow Dr's orders and get some rest. TTFN!

I wish...

I wish that I wasn't so cynical, that I could believe, even occasionally that people are good, honest and virtuous.

I wish that my circle of trust could include more people, but having seen the dark side of human nature, I don't think that is possible.

I wish that people could think more of others rather than themselves.

I wish that negativity and fear mongering wasn't so much a part of daily life in the US of A.

I wish that you could speak your mind, without being concerned that someone won't like what you have to say, even if they need to hear it.

I wish that people would take responsibility for their actions, good or bad, rather than using a barrage of excuses to justify it, when nothing can justify it.

I don't want to say "why me"

Just got back from the Dr's office (again!) and guess what? Yours truly has developed a fabulous case of bronchitis, double lung. Yay for me, and my GREAT immune system. Do I sound cynical? Truly, I am lucky because I caught it early. 10 days of antibiotics should do the trick. But in the mean time, yuck! The coughing is miserable and my entire chest hurts. When I called Rich to tell him, bless his heart, he sounded frustrated to the Nth degree. It seems like my immune system just likes to give out on me, on a regular basis. I catch viruses that I come in contact with, and viruses that anyone in my family comes in contact with. I am a virus magnet.

I don't want to ask why me though. The reason, I remember the story of Job and what happened to him when he asked God, "why me." Instead, I prefer to believe that we all have crosses to bear, and this is mine. I will just take my pills, and be thankful.

In other news, it looks like Rich is pretty well assured of his next duty station. We are going back to PA. The Lehigh Valley this time, which is great. It's so pretty up there, and I love the Pocono's. Besides that, the fact that Rich's best friend Tim is only about 30 miles away! That will make both of them happy.
It's so awesome to discuss the future, our future beyond this dratted deployment and to start looking at life afterwards when our family is back together.

That's all for today, need to try and grab a nap. Dr's orders!

8 weeks tomorrow....

I have not been feeling well, at all, the past few days. Yesterday I had a fever and a terrible cough, today, just head congestion. I really think a lot of this is allergies. I seem to be a year round allergy sufferer anymore, and I have terrible sinus problems too.

Everything is about the same with Rich. He is still getting his hiney trained off... And they are still anxious to leave for Iraq, because life is so crappy there at Ft Dix. In a few weeks, he will be coming home for a few days and I am greatly looking forward to that. It's mixed emotions though, I am thrilled that he is coming home, but again, the goodbyes get more and more difficult each time. The good news is that once he gets in country and settled in, I will have much more contact with him than I do now. He will leave for the dirty sandbox of the middle east a few days after he leaves Ohio. :-(

The kids are doing well. Matt has started weight training for football season and that seems to bring him quite a bit of joy. The girls are chugging along, waiting for their Dad to get here, and Grandpa too. I am really glad that my Dad will be home soon, one of the main reasons I decided to come back here was to spend time with him and he has been gone since a few days after I arrived.

That's it for now, catch ya'll in a few days.

7 Weeks

I have not seen my beloved husband in 7 weeks... That is just incredible, and I might add, incredibly sad. In some ways, the time seems to be going by quickly, and in others, it is dragging along. I miss him so much, and I am super excited about seeing him next month. I just want to get this deployment over with.

We are having a 4 day weekend, and it's been nice so far. I took the kids to COSI today, in Columbus. (Center Of Science and Industry) It's a place I loved when I was a kid, and they seemed to enjoy it too. Tonight I am catching up on the laundry, Matt is watching the NBA all star game, and the girls are doing?? Something. Not feeling so great, I think I may have some sort of infection because my throat is sore, and the glands in my neck are swollen. I hope I don't have strep again. Grrr that would really stink! I am hoping and praying that God keeps me healthy until at least my Dad gets home. It would be very difficult to be ill when no one is here to take the kids to school, cook their dinner etc.

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby

I am sitting here this morning, missing you so much. And I am just reminiscing about the past, our past and all of the laughter, the tears, the good times and bad. 16 years together, since we were just kids, really. I still believe that the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life, no matter how unconventional it may have seemed at the time.
I love you, I will love you forever RB.

The lyrics of this song, are my Valentine to you!


Firehouse -
I Live My Life For You Lyrics
Y'know you're everything to me and I could never see the two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you and no matter what you do I promise you my heart
I've built my world around you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before
Chorus:I live my life for youI want to be by your side in everything that you do And if there's only one thing you can believe is true I live my life for you
I dedicate my life to you, you know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever And I will always be with you and there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together I just can't live without you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before

Unbloggish

I am not sure if that is a real word, but that is how I have felt lately. I am not really in a bad mood and nothing particularly terrible has happened, but I am just weary.

I find myself missing the east coast quite a bit, which is bizarre. I think it's mostly the driving, being on the Jersey roads or the PA turnpike around Philly is an enthralling adventure each and everytime. However, I think that it's dangerous for me, when I try to use Philly driving manuevers on the small streets here in central Ohio. They care about the speed limit here, for example. In Philly 65=80, but here 65=65. You can see the potential problems there, and I am quite certain that Geico would not be happy with me!

I miss my best friend, Jen and her kids. We talk on the phone, but it's not the same.

Most of all, I miss my husband-- so much. He has been gone for 6 1/2 weeks now and it seems like an eternity. I guess we have about 48 weeks left now. Blah! We will see him for a few days next month, and I am pretty excited about that, except for the fact that it's another goodbye and each goodbye hurts more than the one before.

That's about it from me today, I'll try to be more regular with the blogs in the coming weeks, but no promises.

Quandry

If you had information that could be very important to someone you love very, very much- would you tell them? Even if it meant possibly alienating the very person who you are trying to protect?

Is it worth it- to do what you know is right, even if it causes you incredible pain in the future?

WWYD?

Growing Up

My baby boy, Matthew Ryan, will be 15 years old next month.
15!!

I cannot even believe it, and as people like to remind me, by the time Rich gets home from Iraq, he will be nearly 16. Nearly a man.
There are two things that cross my mind when I think of his age, the first is that I cannot believe it- the days that he would crawl up on my lap to watch Barney, or kneel with me so we could say bedtime prayers just don't seem so long ago. Kisses and hugs, dirty hands and fascinating bugs. Sigh, it really was just yesterday wasn't it?
The second thing I think of is that I cannot believe he old I must be to have a child in his mid teens. I was a fairly young mom (21) and that is the excuse I use when people ask me my kids' age.

To be fair, ALL 3 of my kids are growing up. Meg will be 14 in a few months and then Hannah, my real "baby" will soon be 11.

I am going to my corner to whimper a bit...

Groundhog Greetings

Still have the head cold, and am not feeling very great, but I am trying to get better and not be a couch potato. Taking my decongestants and echinacea and vitamin c. I am going to run Matt to the Y here in a bit and the girls and I will go to the library, and Meg wants to go to get some comfy pants. Then we will pick Matt up, and probably have movie night. I have 3 movies from Blockbuster online that we need to watch. We are going to get some cleaning done today, as well. I have been so out of it the past month, time to get back to life.

My diet, 10 days in I have lost about 6 pounds. I was actually a bit lower for a day or so, but I think it was related to the amount of water I drank that day. Still, 6 pounds in 10 days is pretty darn good. My pants fit again, yay!

Rich is doing ok, but he is strained. Lots of things going on that I cannot really talk about here. I miss him terribly, as always. I am greatly looking forward to next month when he can come home for a few days.

Oh yeah, and the groundhog saw his shadow this morning. 6 more weeks of winter. Blah! Oh well, it seems like it's always winter until April, regardless of what the groundhog says.

TTFN!

A Story That Must Be Shared

Since I have posted in the past several days about how my own personal faith has been restored, I wanted to share with you a blog that I have come across in the past several weeks.
The story of a wonderful family, with a miracle unfolding in their lives.

www.confessionsofaCFhusband.com

Their story has touched my heart in so many ways, and helped me along in my own journey. Meghann (my 13 year old daughter) has been following their blog, and exclaims every day "Mom, this is proof that God exists and still performs miracles."

God Bless You, Nate, Tricia and Baby Gwyneth!

I feel like crap!

Well, it looks as though I have caught the fabulous cold that is making it's rounds in this house. Only mine has seemingly settled in my head.
I have to get the kids in a few minutes, and when I get back I am going to put on my jammies and veg, maybe even get a nap.
Due to a "winter storm" school was delayed 2 hours today, so I am all discombobulated.
Catch ya all sometime in the next few days!

Faith Restored- Part Two

Where was I?

Anyway, my health continued to deteriorate throughout the spring, summer and fall months of 2007. It was around August, that I realized after research that I had many symptoms of acid reflux. Even though I didn't actually have heart burn. My breathing was terrible at night, I was literally afraid to go to sleep at night, terrified that I would die in my sleep. I would lie there, and my heart would feel like it was pounding out of my chest, racing. I had these terrible pains behind my sternum (breastbone). By the time fall rolled around, I honestly feared that my situation was hopeless, and that there was nothing that anyone could do. My marriage had taken a beating by me being so ill all the time, and my kids, I am quite certain were tired of having a Mom who was basically a blob 90% of the time. At one point, I don't remember the date exactly, I got on my knees and prayed harder than I had in years. All I wanted was to feel normal again. I am not sure what led me to the place where I prayed, I hadn't in months. The next morning dawned, and I felt a bit better. I had been on a new medication for acid reflux, and that was helping a bit as well.

Early November rolled around, and we found out that Rich was going back to Iraq. On the outside, I was dealing with it much like I had been dealing with everything else... My general outlook was "Ok, whatever." But inside, I was crumbling. Rich was the only thing I had to hold onto, and the seperation was not something I was looking forward to. The rest of this story is rather dull, so I will skip it to January, this month, after Rich had left.

(For those who know me well, they understand that I am an over-analyzer to the extreme. I am incredibly indecisive, mostly because I can take an idea, any idea, and just blow it all to heck. I worry, constantly about everything. To say I have had a lot of worries on my mind since June of '06 may be the understatement of the year. )

I went to my new Dr. here in Ohio a few weeks back for prescriptions for my meds, since the way things happened before we left NJ, I didn't have time to make it to the clinic to get my meds or prescriptions to bring with me. He actually took the time to talk to me, which is odd in this day of high cost and low personal care medicine. We talked about my autoimmune disease, the hypothyroidism and then we talked about the GERD and how the Nexium wasn't helping me much. I was still taking around 300 mg of Zantac a day, too, just to control the symptoms. I wasn't sleeping well, in fact Ihad such terrible dark circles under my eyes, I looked like a creature out of "Night of the Living Dead." He asked me when my reflux had started, and after thinking about it, I told him late 2006 in my recollection. Remember that it took me 8+ months to get a Dr to realize that I had acid reflux and not asthma. Well, combined with the insomnia and all of the other symptoms I was having he asked me if anything significant had happened to me during that time.... Hmmm, well yes, my Mother died in 2006. He smiled at me, and told me that while he was sure I had GERD, he looked at my throat and could tell that much. He was the first person to tell me what he thought that my symptoms, GERD included were directly caused by anxiety and depression. He asked me to do a trial of some meds for that which I agreed to, desperation will lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. :-) I started feeling better within a few days, amazingly so. But that is not what this blog is about.

It was time for me to figure out WHY I was suffering from these conditions, besides the obvious. It took me a while to gain the courage, but eventually I decided that it was time to open the closet of my past and present, the closet where I stuff all of those boxes of pain, shame, guilt, etc. I took out the first "box" and started to look at it... Imagine my surprise when I realized that the box contained a mirror. I picked up the mirror and looked into it with an open mind, and was incredibly distraught by what I saw.

A 36-year-old woman who was in terrible emotional pain, it shone through my eyes. A woman who was filled with such anger, such rage, such distrust of humanity. A nearly faithless woman who did not understand anything in her life. Someone who once again was pushing people out of her life, as was her habit throughout her life, a mechanism of self defense that she learned at an early age. And most of all, a woman who hated herself, each and everything about herself. The old self hatred, the feelings of worthlessness, the emptiness.
Satan is so good at making us doubt ourselves, doubting our God. I didn't know what to do with this reflection, I didn't know what to do with the future, the past. And all of the sudden, I had this very loud voice in my ear, telling me "Be still and know that I am God." Perhaps it was my conscience, my spirit, but whatever it was, I know that it was from God. The next morning I sat down at my computer and googled that phrase and found the whole scripture. I don't know that I have ever read that scripture before.

Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth

Wow, God was sending me a message! He was telling me "Amanda, sit down and shut up. I am God, I have a plan for you. Even though you turned from me, I have not turned from you."

Tears rolled down my face. I understand now, that He has been carrying me. He has always believed in me, and He has never left my side. He has made so many things transpire in the past year of my life, things I didn't understand when they happened. Things I will probably blog about in the future.

My faith is restored, my future lies ahead. I can see the amazing blessings God has given me in my life.

And to close, for today. I leave the lyrics of one of my favorite Christian songs, "First Love" by Petra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I598yego7Q


Sometimes I feel I'm pulled in so many wrong directions
Sometimes I feel the world seducing my affections
It's not that I don't know the way
It's just a heart that's prone to stray
But with my weaknesses admitted
You will keep all that I've committed
So I commit my heart to YouMy First Love
First Love - First LoveMy soul longs after
YouFirst Love - First LoveI want my heart to stay so true
Because You first loved me Jesus
You will always beYou will always be My First Love
It's taken me some time to try to comprehend
A love that doesn't change - a love without an end
A love that keeps forgiving
A love of sacrifice and giving
I delight myself in You
My First LoveIf
I ever lack enduranceI remember Your assurance
That Your only banner over me is love
If my heart begins to waiver
Woo me back, my loving SaviorWoo me back till I return to my First Love

Faith Restored- Part One

You know, the past 19 months have been a very shaky time for me emotionally and physically. The very foundation of my faith was shaken, and shaken violently when my Mom passed away. I will admit here in my blog, that for quite a few months, I wasn't even sure that I believed anymore. I couldn't understand why God would take my Mom, I wasn't ready for her to go, she wasn't ready to go! Her grandchildren (particularly mine since Rich lost his Mom when he was 8) deserved to have a Grandma! I was angry, I was hurting so deeply. I was basically PO'd at the world. I was 34 years old, and I had lost the two most important women in the world to me. My grandmother when I was 17 and now my mother at 34. I sat with her while she died, and it was the most horrible experience in my life. I have never felt as helpless as I did that day, and I have never felt as much guilt as I have since then. Rich and I were the only people present when they took her off the ventilator, and we were the people she had told the night before that she didn't want to die. I felt responsible, and to a point I still do. Confession is good for the soul they say, and since this is my blog, I am confessing.
In my rational mind, I knew that there was no 'life' for her beyond her existence then, intubated, not able to breathe on her own and sedated. I knew that if not for medical intervention, she would have died the night before. But my heart couldn't understand that. My heart didn't want her to go, and probably would have been content if she was just 'there' and not really living.
The aftermath of Mom's death was even harder. I had to leave my Dad, and go back to my real life in New Jersey. The life of being Rich's wife, Matt, Meg and Hannah's mom and a full time employee in the accounting department of my previous employer. I spent every night over a few weeks, crying myself to sleep and feeling so empty and broken.
A month went by, two months. I have more to deal with, my Dad has a new relationship. I don't know how to deal with that, and I still don't even today.
All this time, I am stuffing, stuffing. Putting my pain into boxes in my proverbial closet. I cried for her, but people told me it was time to move on. I know that when we grieve, we truly grieve for ourselves, not for the person who passed. And we do this because we miss them. My pain grew into Anger, so much anger. I wish I would have given myself more time to grieve. There is no set time for it, I understand that now.

One day at work, shortly before Christmas a very sweet Christian lady at work made a comment about this being my Mom's first Christmas in Heaven. And how she would be singing with the angels. I turned around and looked at her, and told her "There is no heaven, there is only death. My mother is just dead!" Where did that come from? This woman was so very sweet to me, and in fact suffered from the same condition that Mom did. She greeted me with hugs nearly every day, and particularly on the days she could tell I was hurting. Perhaps she was an angel, sent from Mom to comfort me, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to hear it.

My faith in God has always been a cornerstone in my life. In fact during my younger years, when I so often felt like I was walking through hell, it was my relationship with Jesus that drug me through. Each and every day, I would cry out to Him. I would talk to Him, like a friend, and I really felt as though He was my friend. I had a personal relationship with Him, that it seemed many people around me didn't. Although God didn't always answer my prayers in the time frame that I wanted Him to, He always answered them. Any doubts I had about that, were resolved the day I met my wonderful husband. God has given me such an amazing gift in that man.

Once January of 2007 came along, all of the turmoil and stress I was feeling in my life began to take a toll on my physical health. I was experiencing what I know now are panic attacks, and was misdiagnosed for a year. I had debilitating dizzy spells all during the day, so bad that on one occasion, my supervisor was walking behind me in the hallway at work and he had to catch me so I didn't hit the floor when I grew very faint. By April of 2007, I was waking up at night gasping for breath. I was terrified, I thought I was going to die. I was diagnosed with asthma, viral pneumonia, severe allergies, God knows what else. At one time I was taking 8 prescription drugs each and every day for various allergy/respiratory issues and I was not getting better at all.

I will finish this later this afternoon, have to run some errands.