Faith Restored- Part Two

Where was I?

Anyway, my health continued to deteriorate throughout the spring, summer and fall months of 2007. It was around August, that I realized after research that I had many symptoms of acid reflux. Even though I didn't actually have heart burn. My breathing was terrible at night, I was literally afraid to go to sleep at night, terrified that I would die in my sleep. I would lie there, and my heart would feel like it was pounding out of my chest, racing. I had these terrible pains behind my sternum (breastbone). By the time fall rolled around, I honestly feared that my situation was hopeless, and that there was nothing that anyone could do. My marriage had taken a beating by me being so ill all the time, and my kids, I am quite certain were tired of having a Mom who was basically a blob 90% of the time. At one point, I don't remember the date exactly, I got on my knees and prayed harder than I had in years. All I wanted was to feel normal again. I am not sure what led me to the place where I prayed, I hadn't in months. The next morning dawned, and I felt a bit better. I had been on a new medication for acid reflux, and that was helping a bit as well.

Early November rolled around, and we found out that Rich was going back to Iraq. On the outside, I was dealing with it much like I had been dealing with everything else... My general outlook was "Ok, whatever." But inside, I was crumbling. Rich was the only thing I had to hold onto, and the seperation was not something I was looking forward to. The rest of this story is rather dull, so I will skip it to January, this month, after Rich had left.

(For those who know me well, they understand that I am an over-analyzer to the extreme. I am incredibly indecisive, mostly because I can take an idea, any idea, and just blow it all to heck. I worry, constantly about everything. To say I have had a lot of worries on my mind since June of '06 may be the understatement of the year. )

I went to my new Dr. here in Ohio a few weeks back for prescriptions for my meds, since the way things happened before we left NJ, I didn't have time to make it to the clinic to get my meds or prescriptions to bring with me. He actually took the time to talk to me, which is odd in this day of high cost and low personal care medicine. We talked about my autoimmune disease, the hypothyroidism and then we talked about the GERD and how the Nexium wasn't helping me much. I was still taking around 300 mg of Zantac a day, too, just to control the symptoms. I wasn't sleeping well, in fact Ihad such terrible dark circles under my eyes, I looked like a creature out of "Night of the Living Dead." He asked me when my reflux had started, and after thinking about it, I told him late 2006 in my recollection. Remember that it took me 8+ months to get a Dr to realize that I had acid reflux and not asthma. Well, combined with the insomnia and all of the other symptoms I was having he asked me if anything significant had happened to me during that time.... Hmmm, well yes, my Mother died in 2006. He smiled at me, and told me that while he was sure I had GERD, he looked at my throat and could tell that much. He was the first person to tell me what he thought that my symptoms, GERD included were directly caused by anxiety and depression. He asked me to do a trial of some meds for that which I agreed to, desperation will lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. :-) I started feeling better within a few days, amazingly so. But that is not what this blog is about.

It was time for me to figure out WHY I was suffering from these conditions, besides the obvious. It took me a while to gain the courage, but eventually I decided that it was time to open the closet of my past and present, the closet where I stuff all of those boxes of pain, shame, guilt, etc. I took out the first "box" and started to look at it... Imagine my surprise when I realized that the box contained a mirror. I picked up the mirror and looked into it with an open mind, and was incredibly distraught by what I saw.

A 36-year-old woman who was in terrible emotional pain, it shone through my eyes. A woman who was filled with such anger, such rage, such distrust of humanity. A nearly faithless woman who did not understand anything in her life. Someone who once again was pushing people out of her life, as was her habit throughout her life, a mechanism of self defense that she learned at an early age. And most of all, a woman who hated herself, each and everything about herself. The old self hatred, the feelings of worthlessness, the emptiness.
Satan is so good at making us doubt ourselves, doubting our God. I didn't know what to do with this reflection, I didn't know what to do with the future, the past. And all of the sudden, I had this very loud voice in my ear, telling me "Be still and know that I am God." Perhaps it was my conscience, my spirit, but whatever it was, I know that it was from God. The next morning I sat down at my computer and googled that phrase and found the whole scripture. I don't know that I have ever read that scripture before.

Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth

Wow, God was sending me a message! He was telling me "Amanda, sit down and shut up. I am God, I have a plan for you. Even though you turned from me, I have not turned from you."

Tears rolled down my face. I understand now, that He has been carrying me. He has always believed in me, and He has never left my side. He has made so many things transpire in the past year of my life, things I didn't understand when they happened. Things I will probably blog about in the future.

My faith is restored, my future lies ahead. I can see the amazing blessings God has given me in my life.

And to close, for today. I leave the lyrics of one of my favorite Christian songs, "First Love" by Petra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I598yego7Q


Sometimes I feel I'm pulled in so many wrong directions
Sometimes I feel the world seducing my affections
It's not that I don't know the way
It's just a heart that's prone to stray
But with my weaknesses admitted
You will keep all that I've committed
So I commit my heart to YouMy First Love
First Love - First LoveMy soul longs after
YouFirst Love - First LoveI want my heart to stay so true
Because You first loved me Jesus
You will always beYou will always be My First Love
It's taken me some time to try to comprehend
A love that doesn't change - a love without an end
A love that keeps forgiving
A love of sacrifice and giving
I delight myself in You
My First LoveIf
I ever lack enduranceI remember Your assurance
That Your only banner over me is love
If my heart begins to waiver
Woo me back, my loving SaviorWoo me back till I return to my First Love