Where was I?
Anyway, my health continued to deteriorate throughout the spring, summer and fall months of 2007. It was around August, that I realized after research that I had many symptoms of acid reflux. Even though I didn't actually have heart burn. My breathing was terrible at night, I was literally afraid to go to sleep at night, terrified that I would die in my sleep. I would lie there, and my heart would feel like it was pounding out of my chest, racing. I had these terrible pains behind my sternum (breastbone). By the time fall rolled around, I honestly feared that my situation was hopeless, and that there was nothing that anyone could do. My marriage had taken a beating by me being so ill all the time, and my kids, I am quite certain were tired of having a Mom who was basically a blob 90% of the time. At one point, I don't remember the date exactly, I got on my knees and prayed harder than I had in years. All I wanted was to feel normal again. I am not sure what led me to the place where I prayed, I hadn't in months. The next morning dawned, and I felt a bit better. I had been on a new medication for acid reflux, and that was helping a bit as well.
Early November rolled around, and we found out that Rich was going back to Iraq. On the outside, I was dealing with it much like I had been dealing with everything else... My general outlook was "Ok, whatever." But inside, I was crumbling. Rich was the only thing I had to hold onto, and the seperation was not something I was looking forward to. The rest of this story is rather dull, so I will skip it to January, this month, after Rich had left.
(For those who know me well, they understand that I am an over-analyzer to the extreme. I am incredibly indecisive, mostly because I can take an idea, any idea, and just blow it all to heck. I worry, constantly about everything. To say I have had a lot of worries on my mind since June of '06 may be the understatement of the year. )
I went to my new Dr. here in Ohio a few weeks back for prescriptions for my meds, since the way things happened before we left NJ, I didn't have time to make it to the clinic to get my meds or prescriptions to bring with me. He actually took the time to talk to me, which is odd in this day of high cost and low personal care medicine. We talked about my autoimmune disease, the hypothyroidism and then we talked about the GERD and how the Nexium wasn't helping me much. I was still taking around 300 mg of Zantac a day, too, just to control the symptoms. I wasn't sleeping well, in fact Ihad such terrible dark circles under my eyes, I looked like a creature out of "Night of the Living Dead." He asked me when my reflux had started, and after thinking about it, I told him late 2006 in my recollection. Remember that it took me 8+ months to get a Dr to realize that I had acid reflux and not asthma. Well, combined with the insomnia and all of the other symptoms I was having he asked me if anything significant had happened to me during that time.... Hmmm, well yes, my Mother died in 2006. He smiled at me, and told me that while he was sure I had GERD, he looked at my throat and could tell that much. He was the first person to tell me what he thought that my symptoms, GERD included were directly caused by anxiety and depression. He asked me to do a trial of some meds for that which I agreed to, desperation will lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. :-) I started feeling better within a few days, amazingly so. But that is not what this blog is about.
It was time for me to figure out WHY I was suffering from these conditions, besides the obvious. It took me a while to gain the courage, but eventually I decided that it was time to open the closet of my past and present, the closet where I stuff all of those boxes of pain, shame, guilt, etc. I took out the first "box" and started to look at it... Imagine my surprise when I realized that the box contained a mirror. I picked up the mirror and looked into it with an open mind, and was incredibly distraught by what I saw.
A 36-year-old woman who was in terrible emotional pain, it shone through my eyes. A woman who was filled with such anger, such rage, such distrust of humanity. A nearly faithless woman who did not understand anything in her life. Someone who once again was pushing people out of her life, as was her habit throughout her life, a mechanism of self defense that she learned at an early age. And most of all, a woman who hated herself, each and everything about herself. The old self hatred, the feelings of worthlessness, the emptiness.
Satan is so good at making us doubt ourselves, doubting our God. I didn't know what to do with this reflection, I didn't know what to do with the future, the past. And all of the sudden, I had this very loud voice in my ear, telling me "Be still and know that I am God." Perhaps it was my conscience, my spirit, but whatever it was, I know that it was from God. The next morning I sat down at my computer and googled that phrase and found the whole scripture. I don't know that I have ever read that scripture before.
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth
Wow, God was sending me a message! He was telling me "Amanda, sit down and shut up. I am God, I have a plan for you. Even though you turned from me, I have not turned from you."
Tears rolled down my face. I understand now, that He has been carrying me. He has always believed in me, and He has never left my side. He has made so many things transpire in the past year of my life, things I didn't understand when they happened. Things I will probably blog about in the future.
My faith is restored, my future lies ahead. I can see the amazing blessings God has given me in my life.
And to close, for today. I leave the lyrics of one of my favorite Christian songs, "First Love" by Petra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I598yego7Q
Sometimes I feel I'm pulled in so many wrong directions
Sometimes I feel the world seducing my affections
It's not that I don't know the way
It's just a heart that's prone to stray
But with my weaknesses admitted
You will keep all that I've committed
So I commit my heart to YouMy First Love
First Love - First LoveMy soul longs after
YouFirst Love - First LoveI want my heart to stay so true
Because You first loved me Jesus
You will always beYou will always be My First Love
It's taken me some time to try to comprehend
A love that doesn't change - a love without an end
A love that keeps forgiving
A love of sacrifice and giving
I delight myself in You
My First LoveIf
I ever lack enduranceI remember Your assurance
That Your only banner over me is love
If my heart begins to waiver
Woo me back, my loving SaviorWoo me back till I return to my First Love
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Faith Restored- Part One
You know, the past 19 months have been a very shaky time for me emotionally and physically. The very foundation of my faith was shaken, and shaken violently when my Mom passed away. I will admit here in my blog, that for quite a few months, I wasn't even sure that I believed anymore. I couldn't understand why God would take my Mom, I wasn't ready for her to go, she wasn't ready to go! Her grandchildren (particularly mine since Rich lost his Mom when he was 8) deserved to have a Grandma! I was angry, I was hurting so deeply. I was basically PO'd at the world. I was 34 years old, and I had lost the two most important women in the world to me. My grandmother when I was 17 and now my mother at 34. I sat with her while she died, and it was the most horrible experience in my life. I have never felt as helpless as I did that day, and I have never felt as much guilt as I have since then. Rich and I were the only people present when they took her off the ventilator, and we were the people she had told the night before that she didn't want to die. I felt responsible, and to a point I still do. Confession is good for the soul they say, and since this is my blog, I am confessing.
In my rational mind, I knew that there was no 'life' for her beyond her existence then, intubated, not able to breathe on her own and sedated. I knew that if not for medical intervention, she would have died the night before. But my heart couldn't understand that. My heart didn't want her to go, and probably would have been content if she was just 'there' and not really living.
The aftermath of Mom's death was even harder. I had to leave my Dad, and go back to my real life in New Jersey. The life of being Rich's wife, Matt, Meg and Hannah's mom and a full time employee in the accounting department of my previous employer. I spent every night over a few weeks, crying myself to sleep and feeling so empty and broken.
A month went by, two months. I have more to deal with, my Dad has a new relationship. I don't know how to deal with that, and I still don't even today.
All this time, I am stuffing, stuffing. Putting my pain into boxes in my proverbial closet. I cried for her, but people told me it was time to move on. I know that when we grieve, we truly grieve for ourselves, not for the person who passed. And we do this because we miss them. My pain grew into Anger, so much anger. I wish I would have given myself more time to grieve. There is no set time for it, I understand that now.
One day at work, shortly before Christmas a very sweet Christian lady at work made a comment about this being my Mom's first Christmas in Heaven. And how she would be singing with the angels. I turned around and looked at her, and told her "There is no heaven, there is only death. My mother is just dead!" Where did that come from? This woman was so very sweet to me, and in fact suffered from the same condition that Mom did. She greeted me with hugs nearly every day, and particularly on the days she could tell I was hurting. Perhaps she was an angel, sent from Mom to comfort me, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to hear it.
My faith in God has always been a cornerstone in my life. In fact during my younger years, when I so often felt like I was walking through hell, it was my relationship with Jesus that drug me through. Each and every day, I would cry out to Him. I would talk to Him, like a friend, and I really felt as though He was my friend. I had a personal relationship with Him, that it seemed many people around me didn't. Although God didn't always answer my prayers in the time frame that I wanted Him to, He always answered them. Any doubts I had about that, were resolved the day I met my wonderful husband. God has given me such an amazing gift in that man.
Once January of 2007 came along, all of the turmoil and stress I was feeling in my life began to take a toll on my physical health. I was experiencing what I know now are panic attacks, and was misdiagnosed for a year. I had debilitating dizzy spells all during the day, so bad that on one occasion, my supervisor was walking behind me in the hallway at work and he had to catch me so I didn't hit the floor when I grew very faint. By April of 2007, I was waking up at night gasping for breath. I was terrified, I thought I was going to die. I was diagnosed with asthma, viral pneumonia, severe allergies, God knows what else. At one time I was taking 8 prescription drugs each and every day for various allergy/respiratory issues and I was not getting better at all.
I will finish this later this afternoon, have to run some errands.
In my rational mind, I knew that there was no 'life' for her beyond her existence then, intubated, not able to breathe on her own and sedated. I knew that if not for medical intervention, she would have died the night before. But my heart couldn't understand that. My heart didn't want her to go, and probably would have been content if she was just 'there' and not really living.
The aftermath of Mom's death was even harder. I had to leave my Dad, and go back to my real life in New Jersey. The life of being Rich's wife, Matt, Meg and Hannah's mom and a full time employee in the accounting department of my previous employer. I spent every night over a few weeks, crying myself to sleep and feeling so empty and broken.
A month went by, two months. I have more to deal with, my Dad has a new relationship. I don't know how to deal with that, and I still don't even today.
All this time, I am stuffing, stuffing. Putting my pain into boxes in my proverbial closet. I cried for her, but people told me it was time to move on. I know that when we grieve, we truly grieve for ourselves, not for the person who passed. And we do this because we miss them. My pain grew into Anger, so much anger. I wish I would have given myself more time to grieve. There is no set time for it, I understand that now.
One day at work, shortly before Christmas a very sweet Christian lady at work made a comment about this being my Mom's first Christmas in Heaven. And how she would be singing with the angels. I turned around and looked at her, and told her "There is no heaven, there is only death. My mother is just dead!" Where did that come from? This woman was so very sweet to me, and in fact suffered from the same condition that Mom did. She greeted me with hugs nearly every day, and particularly on the days she could tell I was hurting. Perhaps she was an angel, sent from Mom to comfort me, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to hear it.
My faith in God has always been a cornerstone in my life. In fact during my younger years, when I so often felt like I was walking through hell, it was my relationship with Jesus that drug me through. Each and every day, I would cry out to Him. I would talk to Him, like a friend, and I really felt as though He was my friend. I had a personal relationship with Him, that it seemed many people around me didn't. Although God didn't always answer my prayers in the time frame that I wanted Him to, He always answered them. Any doubts I had about that, were resolved the day I met my wonderful husband. God has given me such an amazing gift in that man.
Once January of 2007 came along, all of the turmoil and stress I was feeling in my life began to take a toll on my physical health. I was experiencing what I know now are panic attacks, and was misdiagnosed for a year. I had debilitating dizzy spells all during the day, so bad that on one occasion, my supervisor was walking behind me in the hallway at work and he had to catch me so I didn't hit the floor when I grew very faint. By April of 2007, I was waking up at night gasping for breath. I was terrified, I thought I was going to die. I was diagnosed with asthma, viral pneumonia, severe allergies, God knows what else. At one time I was taking 8 prescription drugs each and every day for various allergy/respiratory issues and I was not getting better at all.
I will finish this later this afternoon, have to run some errands.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It's Laundry Day!
Well, here it is, Wednesday which means that it's laundry day! Laundry is done here on Wednesday and Sunday, only.
I know at this point you are probably scratching your head and wondering what in the heck I am talking about. Well, look at it this way- when you are the wife to a deployed solider, you need a routine and often things to occupy your time. So I have a chore schedule for myself. I mean, after all, who wants to waste all the fun on just one or two days a week?
The other reason is that as soon as my Dad gets home, I will be sharing the washer and dryer with him. So, it's good to have a schedule in place before hand, no?
Yes, I am a bit neurotic, but that just adds to my overall charm! Hee Hee
Not much going on here today, I have some work to do and of course the laundry. I also need to write to my husband, which I try to do 3x per week. It's hard sometimes to think of what to say in those letters. They really could be only 3 lines.
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Get your A$$ home ASAP.
That is really all of the pertinent information I need to relay to him. Yet, I know that mail is so very important to our soldiers. Even though we talk on the phone every day, it's sad to have mail call and not have anything.
He is doing ok, all things considered. They should start their field training very soon, and I am looking forward to that, even thought it will not be a lot of fun for him. His pass should come about immediately after the training, once they are validated for deployment. March cannot get here soon enough! Hoping to hear more about that shortly.
Tomorrow, it will be a month since we have seen him. It's hard to believe, honestly. And we are nearly at 5 weeks on Monday. The only good thing about it is that time is passing by, and the faster it goes by, the faster he will come home. Approximately 345 days to go. I will be glad when we get under 300! I am excited about resuming our lives together when he gets home, and find out exactly where we will be living.
Hannah has been a bit down, which I think I have blogged about before. Last night, a few of her friends from Jersey called her, and she got super excited about that. This move has been difficult for them, it breaks my heart. I sense that they are being troopers, but none of them are very happy here. :-(
Well the buzzer is going off on the dryer, which means it's time for me to go. Be well and stay warm everyone!!
I know at this point you are probably scratching your head and wondering what in the heck I am talking about. Well, look at it this way- when you are the wife to a deployed solider, you need a routine and often things to occupy your time. So I have a chore schedule for myself. I mean, after all, who wants to waste all the fun on just one or two days a week?
The other reason is that as soon as my Dad gets home, I will be sharing the washer and dryer with him. So, it's good to have a schedule in place before hand, no?
Yes, I am a bit neurotic, but that just adds to my overall charm! Hee Hee
Not much going on here today, I have some work to do and of course the laundry. I also need to write to my husband, which I try to do 3x per week. It's hard sometimes to think of what to say in those letters. They really could be only 3 lines.
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Get your A$$ home ASAP.
That is really all of the pertinent information I need to relay to him. Yet, I know that mail is so very important to our soldiers. Even though we talk on the phone every day, it's sad to have mail call and not have anything.
He is doing ok, all things considered. They should start their field training very soon, and I am looking forward to that, even thought it will not be a lot of fun for him. His pass should come about immediately after the training, once they are validated for deployment. March cannot get here soon enough! Hoping to hear more about that shortly.
Tomorrow, it will be a month since we have seen him. It's hard to believe, honestly. And we are nearly at 5 weeks on Monday. The only good thing about it is that time is passing by, and the faster it goes by, the faster he will come home. Approximately 345 days to go. I will be glad when we get under 300! I am excited about resuming our lives together when he gets home, and find out exactly where we will be living.
Hannah has been a bit down, which I think I have blogged about before. Last night, a few of her friends from Jersey called her, and she got super excited about that. This move has been difficult for them, it breaks my heart. I sense that they are being troopers, but none of them are very happy here. :-(
Well the buzzer is going off on the dryer, which means it's time for me to go. Be well and stay warm everyone!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Cold January Rain...
Today has been a blah day for the most part. It's 'warm' for central Ohio standards in late January (45 degrees at the moment) but it's been drizzly all day. I have still managed to get a few things done around here today, but really, all I feel like doing is once again pulling the covers over my head and sleeping the day away, perhaps the week.
Rich has been in class for the past few days, and has been enjoying the true luxuries of life, like heated bathrooms! We are talking real lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff here, people! His last day is tomorrow, and then they are doing ??? God knows what. He has been at Ft. Dix for 2 weeks now, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. He got to sleep shortly after 10 last night, and had to get up at 4:30 for breakfast. I mean, I have to force myself to eat breakfast, at 8 let alone at 4:30. I worry about him.
That's about it for today, too sleepy and fuzzy headed to be witty today, so I'll catch ya in the am.
Rich has been in class for the past few days, and has been enjoying the true luxuries of life, like heated bathrooms! We are talking real lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff here, people! His last day is tomorrow, and then they are doing ??? God knows what. He has been at Ft. Dix for 2 weeks now, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. He got to sleep shortly after 10 last night, and had to get up at 4:30 for breakfast. I mean, I have to force myself to eat breakfast, at 8 let alone at 4:30. I worry about him.
That's about it for today, too sleepy and fuzzy headed to be witty today, so I'll catch ya in the am.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A Good Weekend, So Far
Well, besides the incident at the grocery store that I blogged about yesterday, it's been a pretty decent weekend.
Matt went and played basketball at the Y yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. He has been so ill, and it's awesome to see him feeling better. While he was gone, the girls and I went to the library and then to the grocery store. There was a funny incident at the library...
I signed up for a card for the girls and I, and the lady tells me that there are some fines on my account from 94. I am thinking, ok- how much are they? Probably returned a book a week late or something. And she tells me that it's $85.00!! I looked at her like she was insane. And when I asked why, she told me there was a Stephen King book that was returned with a few pages ripped out and that they had charged me for the book. I could not even imagine what on earth I would have returned a book in that condition for. And then I remembered... In November 1994, Matthew was 1 1/2 and a force of nature. Although I didn't know that he did this, I can imagine the book being on the couch or something and Matt deciding in his toddler mind to remodel the book a bit. LOL So, I came home and told him that he owes me $85.00. When he asked why, I explained it to him, and this is the reply that I got: "Well, Mom, seeing as how I was one year old- I would think that if that happened, you and Dad must not have been watching over me well enough. So I would imagine that it would be parental responsibility." LOL, we have created a nearly 15-year-old Monster!!
I got the number to the library manager, and I am going to call him tomorrow to protest this charge. I told the lady at the desk that I could go to Barnes and Noble right now and buy a new copy of this book for $10.99 for them, and that I refuse to pay $85.00. That is just nuts.
The good news I got last night, without going into details: Rich's 4 day pass may become a 10 day pass, and he might get to come home to Ohio instead of us going there. Yay! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. He really wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. Please pray with us that this comes to fruition and that maybe, just maybe- it will be over the time period of Matt's birthday.
Weighed in this morning after nearly a week of Low Carbing, and guess what? I have lost 5 pounds this week!! I am SO excited about that! I only have 4 more to go to get back to where I started before the illness caused me to gain a few pounds. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that maybe the other 20 I want to lose will come off somewhat easily, now that we have my thyroid issues under control. Think single digit clothing size! It's not important for me to wear an 8 instead of a 12 for any other reason than I want to prove to myself that I can get back there. That's it. Maybe that is selfish of me, but it's a goal I really want to reach.
All in all this has been a decent week. I am feeling pretty darn good, all things considered and it's almost strange to feel normal. I am so accustomed to the problems that come along with GERD and LPR, that it's hard to believe I can lay down at night and go to sleep without breathing issues. Or spend the day without dizzy spells, and a horrible pain behind my sternum. This week, I have had none of that and I am thanking God for it. I am actually beginning to believe that I am not doomed to living a 1/2 life for the rest of my life.
Well things to do today, so I must go for now. TTFN!
Matt went and played basketball at the Y yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. He has been so ill, and it's awesome to see him feeling better. While he was gone, the girls and I went to the library and then to the grocery store. There was a funny incident at the library...
I signed up for a card for the girls and I, and the lady tells me that there are some fines on my account from 94. I am thinking, ok- how much are they? Probably returned a book a week late or something. And she tells me that it's $85.00!! I looked at her like she was insane. And when I asked why, she told me there was a Stephen King book that was returned with a few pages ripped out and that they had charged me for the book. I could not even imagine what on earth I would have returned a book in that condition for. And then I remembered... In November 1994, Matthew was 1 1/2 and a force of nature. Although I didn't know that he did this, I can imagine the book being on the couch or something and Matt deciding in his toddler mind to remodel the book a bit. LOL So, I came home and told him that he owes me $85.00. When he asked why, I explained it to him, and this is the reply that I got: "Well, Mom, seeing as how I was one year old- I would think that if that happened, you and Dad must not have been watching over me well enough. So I would imagine that it would be parental responsibility." LOL, we have created a nearly 15-year-old Monster!!
I got the number to the library manager, and I am going to call him tomorrow to protest this charge. I told the lady at the desk that I could go to Barnes and Noble right now and buy a new copy of this book for $10.99 for them, and that I refuse to pay $85.00. That is just nuts.
The good news I got last night, without going into details: Rich's 4 day pass may become a 10 day pass, and he might get to come home to Ohio instead of us going there. Yay! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. He really wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. Please pray with us that this comes to fruition and that maybe, just maybe- it will be over the time period of Matt's birthday.
Weighed in this morning after nearly a week of Low Carbing, and guess what? I have lost 5 pounds this week!! I am SO excited about that! I only have 4 more to go to get back to where I started before the illness caused me to gain a few pounds. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that maybe the other 20 I want to lose will come off somewhat easily, now that we have my thyroid issues under control. Think single digit clothing size! It's not important for me to wear an 8 instead of a 12 for any other reason than I want to prove to myself that I can get back there. That's it. Maybe that is selfish of me, but it's a goal I really want to reach.
All in all this has been a decent week. I am feeling pretty darn good, all things considered and it's almost strange to feel normal. I am so accustomed to the problems that come along with GERD and LPR, that it's hard to believe I can lay down at night and go to sleep without breathing issues. Or spend the day without dizzy spells, and a horrible pain behind my sternum. This week, I have had none of that and I am thanking God for it. I am actually beginning to believe that I am not doomed to living a 1/2 life for the rest of my life.
Well things to do today, so I must go for now. TTFN!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
So, it happened...
Today, the girls and I were at the grocery store. We rounded the corner on an aisle, and there standing in front of us was a man in ACUS, for you non military types, that's the Army uniform.
I looked at Meghann, and she looked at me and both of us had tears rolling down our faces. It hurt so badly, you can't even imagine.
Nearly every day, I'd be at the sink doing dishes and see Rich walking up the sidewalk in his uniform. The ACU was a part of our daily lives, a part of my laundry routine for sure. We haven't seen that uniform for nearly a month, and it took my breath away. I miss him so terribly, I can't even find the words to describe it. We all miss him, his family needs him.
My soldier, my husband, my HERO.
I looked at Meghann, and she looked at me and both of us had tears rolling down our faces. It hurt so badly, you can't even imagine.
Nearly every day, I'd be at the sink doing dishes and see Rich walking up the sidewalk in his uniform. The ACU was a part of our daily lives, a part of my laundry routine for sure. We haven't seen that uniform for nearly a month, and it took my breath away. I miss him so terribly, I can't even find the words to describe it. We all miss him, his family needs him.
My soldier, my husband, my HERO.
God, please watch over him and keep him safe... and if it's not too much to ask, can you please make time go by just a little bit faster? I am pretty sure that we need him more than the Iraqi's do.
Thanks,
Amanda
Thanks,
Amanda
Army Spouses Prayer
Author Unknown
Dear Lord,Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.
Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he is away.
When he is in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And, when duty is in the field, please protect him/her and be his shield.
And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.AMEN
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