Ok, please ignore the fact that I haven't blogged in ummm 6 months?!?
Today is my Mom's birthday, and it was finally something that I wanted to write about rather than just complaining about the sorry state of my life right now. Or that two years out of 5 is too long, much too long to be seperated from your husband.
Today, my Mother would have been 68 years old. Still not old... at least not by today's standards. This is her 3rd birthday in Heaven.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, although usually when I do now, it is with smiles and laughter over something funny that she once did or said and not so much sadness. There was a time, not long ago that I wondered if I would ever get to the place where I could do that.
I miss you Mom, each and every day. I love you... Happy birthday!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
My beautiful daughter...
Tuesday is the 14th birthday of my oldest daughter, Meghann.
When we found out about her impending arrival, it was a bit of a shock as we held her 6 month old brother. There was a bit of panic about having two babies so close together, and giving birth while Rich was out to sea. But every bit of that melted away the first time I saw her on the ultrasound. Even at 20 weeks, she had chubby cheeks and was completely adorable. It wasn't ideal timing... but we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or perfect daughter.
When she was born, she didn't even cry, just started breathing. She has had a mellow temperment throughout her life. She has brought her Dad and I, along with our entire family so much joy!
Meghann deals with life in such a mature way, moving, the loss of her beloved Grandmother. I really cannot say enough good things about her. She is our princess, our Cinderella and we love her so so very much.
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! We hope that your 14th year is your most magical one yet!
When we found out about her impending arrival, it was a bit of a shock as we held her 6 month old brother. There was a bit of panic about having two babies so close together, and giving birth while Rich was out to sea. But every bit of that melted away the first time I saw her on the ultrasound. Even at 20 weeks, she had chubby cheeks and was completely adorable. It wasn't ideal timing... but we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or perfect daughter.
When she was born, she didn't even cry, just started breathing. She has had a mellow temperment throughout her life. She has brought her Dad and I, along with our entire family so much joy!
Meghann deals with life in such a mature way, moving, the loss of her beloved Grandmother. I really cannot say enough good things about her. She is our princess, our Cinderella and we love her so so very much.
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl! We hope that your 14th year is your most magical one yet!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
This is so hard
Hey Everyone
No, I really didn't fall off the face of the earth... I have just been very quiet the past month or so. Reflective.
I feel most of the time as though I am stuck in a time warp, every day is the same, and my main goal is just to get through the days. That's all I want, is to just get through the days.
I miss Rich so much, I cannot even find the words to describe it. I need him more than I like to admit to myself. He is truly my other half, and without him, life itself is just difficult. We did have a wonderful time when he was here in March!
Very soon it will be Meghann's birthday, now my baby girl will be 14 years old, which I cannot believe. I will write a post dedicated to her in the next few days.
I will try to post in the next day or so, and be more regular. 8 months 12 days left to go...
No, I really didn't fall off the face of the earth... I have just been very quiet the past month or so. Reflective.
I feel most of the time as though I am stuck in a time warp, every day is the same, and my main goal is just to get through the days. That's all I want, is to just get through the days.
I miss Rich so much, I cannot even find the words to describe it. I need him more than I like to admit to myself. He is truly my other half, and without him, life itself is just difficult. We did have a wonderful time when he was here in March!
Very soon it will be Meghann's birthday, now my baby girl will be 14 years old, which I cannot believe. I will write a post dedicated to her in the next few days.
I will try to post in the next day or so, and be more regular. 8 months 12 days left to go...
Monday, March 17, 2008
11 weeks, One more day and 16 years
Isn't that an odd title for a blog post?
Well the 11 weeks, that is how long it's been since I've seen Rich of course. An impossibly long time, too long. 43 weeks left to go.
One more day, that means that he will be here tomorrow night. I am so excited, yet I find myself struggling with mixed emotions. I am so excited to see him (couldn't sleep last night) yet my heart aches all the same. The kids and I are more or less adjusted to him not being here now. And re-setting the clock is painful, each and every time you have to say goodbye it's worse. Sigh... God, just let me see the good in this and give me strength. Don't let me dwell on the fact that next week, he will be in the nastiest dirt hole of the middle east.
16 years... It was 16 years ago today that I met my dear husband. What seems at times to be an entire lifetime ago, yet only yesterday all the same. The luckiest day of my life to be sure.
I love this man, I have loved him since the day I met him and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, such a wonderful human being in my life!
Well the 11 weeks, that is how long it's been since I've seen Rich of course. An impossibly long time, too long. 43 weeks left to go.
One more day, that means that he will be here tomorrow night. I am so excited, yet I find myself struggling with mixed emotions. I am so excited to see him (couldn't sleep last night) yet my heart aches all the same. The kids and I are more or less adjusted to him not being here now. And re-setting the clock is painful, each and every time you have to say goodbye it's worse. Sigh... God, just let me see the good in this and give me strength. Don't let me dwell on the fact that next week, he will be in the nastiest dirt hole of the middle east.
16 years... It was 16 years ago today that I met my dear husband. What seems at times to be an entire lifetime ago, yet only yesterday all the same. The luckiest day of my life to be sure.
I love this man, I have loved him since the day I met him and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, such a wonderful human being in my life!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
15 years ago....
15 years ago, I was in labor. A process that dragged on endlessly, for nearly 30 hours. But which gave me the best gift, my son. My only son.
I remember lying there on the operating table after the Dr finally delivered you, and listening to you cry. And I remember so well, the first time they placed you in my arms. I was immediately awestruck, and wondered how it was possible for a human being to love another human being so immediately and completely.
You were such a good baby, and you and Mommy did everything together until you were 3 months old and we were back with Daddy. Then it was the 3 of us who did everything together. Going to the movies, out to dinner. So many special times. Holding you up by your hands so I could dip your little feet in the Pacific, only to have you get struck by a wave. You sputttered and then laughed. Climbing into the bathtub on your own, while Mommy was filling it with water. The way you used to hold my finger when I nursed you. So many precious memories.
Now, you are nearly a man. I look at you, so tall. You remind me so much of your Dad, but you have much of me in you as well. I am so proud of you, with your little mustache that's growing in. With your physical capabilites, the way you are so fiercely competitive on the football field.
I am so proud of you, and man you are becoming. And, Matthew Ryan, I still wonder how one person can love another so completely. All I know is that with you, it's been easy.
I love you so much!
Happy 15th Birthday, Buddy!
I remember lying there on the operating table after the Dr finally delivered you, and listening to you cry. And I remember so well, the first time they placed you in my arms. I was immediately awestruck, and wondered how it was possible for a human being to love another human being so immediately and completely.
You were such a good baby, and you and Mommy did everything together until you were 3 months old and we were back with Daddy. Then it was the 3 of us who did everything together. Going to the movies, out to dinner. So many special times. Holding you up by your hands so I could dip your little feet in the Pacific, only to have you get struck by a wave. You sputttered and then laughed. Climbing into the bathtub on your own, while Mommy was filling it with water. The way you used to hold my finger when I nursed you. So many precious memories.
Now, you are nearly a man. I look at you, so tall. You remind me so much of your Dad, but you have much of me in you as well. I am so proud of you, with your little mustache that's growing in. With your physical capabilites, the way you are so fiercely competitive on the football field.
I am so proud of you, and man you are becoming. And, Matthew Ryan, I still wonder how one person can love another so completely. All I know is that with you, it's been easy.
I love you so much!
Happy 15th Birthday, Buddy!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Another month gone...
Today is the last day of February, yay! Each and every month I can mark off of the calendar is a month closer to my husband being home, and life being "normal" again. Besides that, I hate winter and Jan/Feb are the worst months of the year for me. I used to include March in that equation, but since my son was born in March, it's not such a terrible month any longer. His birthday is in 6 days! Which leads me to a funny story... Matt is a health nut, and an exercise junky. He doesn't like to eat any sweets.
Well, yesterday I am at the store, shopping for groceries and I am peering at the cake selection. I happened to be on my cell phone with Rich, and I asked him what kind of cake I should buy buddy for his birthday. Well, we used to be able to buy him carrot cake, because we convinced him that it was healthy because it had carrots in it. Sometime in the past year, he has figured out that is not the case (darn!!) so I am back to square one. So I couldn't decide on what to do, finally I told Rich that I was going to buy Matt a relish tray, and stick a candle in the middle of it. When I mentioned that to Matt last night, he giggled and told me that a cheesecake would be an acceptable alternative. So I guess we are going to do that. Goofy kid!! He's a great guy, my son. All of my kids are great, really. We have been very blessed. I just cannot believe how grown up they are getting. Iwas sitting here at the computer the other day and he walked past me, I couldn't believe how TALL he was.
I am doing ok at the moment. Last night the left side of my chest was hurting very badly, I was in tears. I seem to be feeling better today, just a dull ache. I am more than ready for this bronchitis to leave. "Ok, you have made my life miserable long enough, you can go now."
Hope everyone has a great weekend, I am going to try and follow Dr's orders and get some rest. TTFN!
Well, yesterday I am at the store, shopping for groceries and I am peering at the cake selection. I happened to be on my cell phone with Rich, and I asked him what kind of cake I should buy buddy for his birthday. Well, we used to be able to buy him carrot cake, because we convinced him that it was healthy because it had carrots in it. Sometime in the past year, he has figured out that is not the case (darn!!) so I am back to square one. So I couldn't decide on what to do, finally I told Rich that I was going to buy Matt a relish tray, and stick a candle in the middle of it. When I mentioned that to Matt last night, he giggled and told me that a cheesecake would be an acceptable alternative. So I guess we are going to do that. Goofy kid!! He's a great guy, my son. All of my kids are great, really. We have been very blessed. I just cannot believe how grown up they are getting. Iwas sitting here at the computer the other day and he walked past me, I couldn't believe how TALL he was.
I am doing ok at the moment. Last night the left side of my chest was hurting very badly, I was in tears. I seem to be feeling better today, just a dull ache. I am more than ready for this bronchitis to leave. "Ok, you have made my life miserable long enough, you can go now."
Hope everyone has a great weekend, I am going to try and follow Dr's orders and get some rest. TTFN!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I wish...
I wish that I wasn't so cynical, that I could believe, even occasionally that people are good, honest and virtuous.
I wish that my circle of trust could include more people, but having seen the dark side of human nature, I don't think that is possible.
I wish that people could think more of others rather than themselves.
I wish that negativity and fear mongering wasn't so much a part of daily life in the US of A.
I wish that you could speak your mind, without being concerned that someone won't like what you have to say, even if they need to hear it.
I wish that people would take responsibility for their actions, good or bad, rather than using a barrage of excuses to justify it, when nothing can justify it.
I wish that my circle of trust could include more people, but having seen the dark side of human nature, I don't think that is possible.
I wish that people could think more of others rather than themselves.
I wish that negativity and fear mongering wasn't so much a part of daily life in the US of A.
I wish that you could speak your mind, without being concerned that someone won't like what you have to say, even if they need to hear it.
I wish that people would take responsibility for their actions, good or bad, rather than using a barrage of excuses to justify it, when nothing can justify it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I don't want to say "why me"
Just got back from the Dr's office (again!) and guess what? Yours truly has developed a fabulous case of bronchitis, double lung. Yay for me, and my GREAT immune system. Do I sound cynical? Truly, I am lucky because I caught it early. 10 days of antibiotics should do the trick. But in the mean time, yuck! The coughing is miserable and my entire chest hurts. When I called Rich to tell him, bless his heart, he sounded frustrated to the Nth degree. It seems like my immune system just likes to give out on me, on a regular basis. I catch viruses that I come in contact with, and viruses that anyone in my family comes in contact with. I am a virus magnet.
I don't want to ask why me though. The reason, I remember the story of Job and what happened to him when he asked God, "why me." Instead, I prefer to believe that we all have crosses to bear, and this is mine. I will just take my pills, and be thankful.
In other news, it looks like Rich is pretty well assured of his next duty station. We are going back to PA. The Lehigh Valley this time, which is great. It's so pretty up there, and I love the Pocono's. Besides that, the fact that Rich's best friend Tim is only about 30 miles away! That will make both of them happy.
It's so awesome to discuss the future, our future beyond this dratted deployment and to start looking at life afterwards when our family is back together.
That's all for today, need to try and grab a nap. Dr's orders!
I don't want to ask why me though. The reason, I remember the story of Job and what happened to him when he asked God, "why me." Instead, I prefer to believe that we all have crosses to bear, and this is mine. I will just take my pills, and be thankful.
In other news, it looks like Rich is pretty well assured of his next duty station. We are going back to PA. The Lehigh Valley this time, which is great. It's so pretty up there, and I love the Pocono's. Besides that, the fact that Rich's best friend Tim is only about 30 miles away! That will make both of them happy.
It's so awesome to discuss the future, our future beyond this dratted deployment and to start looking at life afterwards when our family is back together.
That's all for today, need to try and grab a nap. Dr's orders!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
8 weeks tomorrow....
I have not been feeling well, at all, the past few days. Yesterday I had a fever and a terrible cough, today, just head congestion. I really think a lot of this is allergies. I seem to be a year round allergy sufferer anymore, and I have terrible sinus problems too.
Everything is about the same with Rich. He is still getting his hiney trained off... And they are still anxious to leave for Iraq, because life is so crappy there at Ft Dix. In a few weeks, he will be coming home for a few days and I am greatly looking forward to that. It's mixed emotions though, I am thrilled that he is coming home, but again, the goodbyes get more and more difficult each time. The good news is that once he gets in country and settled in, I will have much more contact with him than I do now. He will leave for the dirty sandbox of the middle east a few days after he leaves Ohio. :-(
The kids are doing well. Matt has started weight training for football season and that seems to bring him quite a bit of joy. The girls are chugging along, waiting for their Dad to get here, and Grandpa too. I am really glad that my Dad will be home soon, one of the main reasons I decided to come back here was to spend time with him and he has been gone since a few days after I arrived.
That's it for now, catch ya'll in a few days.
Everything is about the same with Rich. He is still getting his hiney trained off... And they are still anxious to leave for Iraq, because life is so crappy there at Ft Dix. In a few weeks, he will be coming home for a few days and I am greatly looking forward to that. It's mixed emotions though, I am thrilled that he is coming home, but again, the goodbyes get more and more difficult each time. The good news is that once he gets in country and settled in, I will have much more contact with him than I do now. He will leave for the dirty sandbox of the middle east a few days after he leaves Ohio. :-(
The kids are doing well. Matt has started weight training for football season and that seems to bring him quite a bit of joy. The girls are chugging along, waiting for their Dad to get here, and Grandpa too. I am really glad that my Dad will be home soon, one of the main reasons I decided to come back here was to spend time with him and he has been gone since a few days after I arrived.
That's it for now, catch ya'll in a few days.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
7 Weeks
I have not seen my beloved husband in 7 weeks... That is just incredible, and I might add, incredibly sad. In some ways, the time seems to be going by quickly, and in others, it is dragging along. I miss him so much, and I am super excited about seeing him next month. I just want to get this deployment over with.
We are having a 4 day weekend, and it's been nice so far. I took the kids to COSI today, in Columbus. (Center Of Science and Industry) It's a place I loved when I was a kid, and they seemed to enjoy it too. Tonight I am catching up on the laundry, Matt is watching the NBA all star game, and the girls are doing?? Something. Not feeling so great, I think I may have some sort of infection because my throat is sore, and the glands in my neck are swollen. I hope I don't have strep again. Grrr that would really stink! I am hoping and praying that God keeps me healthy until at least my Dad gets home. It would be very difficult to be ill when no one is here to take the kids to school, cook their dinner etc.
We are having a 4 day weekend, and it's been nice so far. I took the kids to COSI today, in Columbus. (Center Of Science and Industry) It's a place I loved when I was a kid, and they seemed to enjoy it too. Tonight I am catching up on the laundry, Matt is watching the NBA all star game, and the girls are doing?? Something. Not feeling so great, I think I may have some sort of infection because my throat is sore, and the glands in my neck are swollen. I hope I don't have strep again. Grrr that would really stink! I am hoping and praying that God keeps me healthy until at least my Dad gets home. It would be very difficult to be ill when no one is here to take the kids to school, cook their dinner etc.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day, Baby
I am sitting here this morning, missing you so much. And I am just reminiscing about the past, our past and all of the laughter, the tears, the good times and bad. 16 years together, since we were just kids, really. I still believe that the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life, no matter how unconventional it may have seemed at the time.
I love you, I will love you forever RB.
The lyrics of this song, are my Valentine to you!
Firehouse -
I Live My Life For You Lyrics
Y'know you're everything to me and I could never see the two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you and no matter what you do I promise you my heart
I've built my world around you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before
Chorus:I live my life for youI want to be by your side in everything that you do And if there's only one thing you can believe is true I live my life for you
I dedicate my life to you, you know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever And I will always be with you and there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together I just can't live without you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before
I love you, I will love you forever RB.
The lyrics of this song, are my Valentine to you!
Firehouse -
I Live My Life For You Lyrics
Y'know you're everything to me and I could never see the two of us apart
And you know I give myself to you and no matter what you do I promise you my heart
I've built my world around you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before
Chorus:I live my life for youI want to be by your side in everything that you do And if there's only one thing you can believe is true I live my life for you
I dedicate my life to you, you know that I would die for you
But our love would last forever And I will always be with you and there is nothing we can't do
As long as we're together I just can't live without you and I want you to know I need you like I've never needed anyone before
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Unbloggish
I am not sure if that is a real word, but that is how I have felt lately. I am not really in a bad mood and nothing particularly terrible has happened, but I am just weary.
I find myself missing the east coast quite a bit, which is bizarre. I think it's mostly the driving, being on the Jersey roads or the PA turnpike around Philly is an enthralling adventure each and everytime. However, I think that it's dangerous for me, when I try to use Philly driving manuevers on the small streets here in central Ohio. They care about the speed limit here, for example. In Philly 65=80, but here 65=65. You can see the potential problems there, and I am quite certain that Geico would not be happy with me!
I miss my best friend, Jen and her kids. We talk on the phone, but it's not the same.
Most of all, I miss my husband-- so much. He has been gone for 6 1/2 weeks now and it seems like an eternity. I guess we have about 48 weeks left now. Blah! We will see him for a few days next month, and I am pretty excited about that, except for the fact that it's another goodbye and each goodbye hurts more than the one before.
That's about it from me today, I'll try to be more regular with the blogs in the coming weeks, but no promises.
I find myself missing the east coast quite a bit, which is bizarre. I think it's mostly the driving, being on the Jersey roads or the PA turnpike around Philly is an enthralling adventure each and everytime. However, I think that it's dangerous for me, when I try to use Philly driving manuevers on the small streets here in central Ohio. They care about the speed limit here, for example. In Philly 65=80, but here 65=65. You can see the potential problems there, and I am quite certain that Geico would not be happy with me!
I miss my best friend, Jen and her kids. We talk on the phone, but it's not the same.
Most of all, I miss my husband-- so much. He has been gone for 6 1/2 weeks now and it seems like an eternity. I guess we have about 48 weeks left now. Blah! We will see him for a few days next month, and I am pretty excited about that, except for the fact that it's another goodbye and each goodbye hurts more than the one before.
That's about it from me today, I'll try to be more regular with the blogs in the coming weeks, but no promises.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Quandry
If you had information that could be very important to someone you love very, very much- would you tell them? Even if it meant possibly alienating the very person who you are trying to protect?
Is it worth it- to do what you know is right, even if it causes you incredible pain in the future?
WWYD?
Is it worth it- to do what you know is right, even if it causes you incredible pain in the future?
WWYD?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Growing Up
My baby boy, Matthew Ryan, will be 15 years old next month.
15!!
I cannot even believe it, and as people like to remind me, by the time Rich gets home from Iraq, he will be nearly 16. Nearly a man.
There are two things that cross my mind when I think of his age, the first is that I cannot believe it- the days that he would crawl up on my lap to watch Barney, or kneel with me so we could say bedtime prayers just don't seem so long ago. Kisses and hugs, dirty hands and fascinating bugs. Sigh, it really was just yesterday wasn't it?
The second thing I think of is that I cannot believe he old I must be to have a child in his mid teens. I was a fairly young mom (21) and that is the excuse I use when people ask me my kids' age.
To be fair, ALL 3 of my kids are growing up. Meg will be 14 in a few months and then Hannah, my real "baby" will soon be 11.
I am going to my corner to whimper a bit...
15!!
I cannot even believe it, and as people like to remind me, by the time Rich gets home from Iraq, he will be nearly 16. Nearly a man.
There are two things that cross my mind when I think of his age, the first is that I cannot believe it- the days that he would crawl up on my lap to watch Barney, or kneel with me so we could say bedtime prayers just don't seem so long ago. Kisses and hugs, dirty hands and fascinating bugs. Sigh, it really was just yesterday wasn't it?
The second thing I think of is that I cannot believe he old I must be to have a child in his mid teens. I was a fairly young mom (21) and that is the excuse I use when people ask me my kids' age.
To be fair, ALL 3 of my kids are growing up. Meg will be 14 in a few months and then Hannah, my real "baby" will soon be 11.
I am going to my corner to whimper a bit...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Groundhog Greetings
Still have the head cold, and am not feeling very great, but I am trying to get better and not be a couch potato. Taking my decongestants and echinacea and vitamin c. I am going to run Matt to the Y here in a bit and the girls and I will go to the library, and Meg wants to go to get some comfy pants. Then we will pick Matt up, and probably have movie night. I have 3 movies from Blockbuster online that we need to watch. We are going to get some cleaning done today, as well. I have been so out of it the past month, time to get back to life.
My diet, 10 days in I have lost about 6 pounds. I was actually a bit lower for a day or so, but I think it was related to the amount of water I drank that day. Still, 6 pounds in 10 days is pretty darn good. My pants fit again, yay!
Rich is doing ok, but he is strained. Lots of things going on that I cannot really talk about here. I miss him terribly, as always. I am greatly looking forward to next month when he can come home for a few days.
Oh yeah, and the groundhog saw his shadow this morning. 6 more weeks of winter. Blah! Oh well, it seems like it's always winter until April, regardless of what the groundhog says.
TTFN!
My diet, 10 days in I have lost about 6 pounds. I was actually a bit lower for a day or so, but I think it was related to the amount of water I drank that day. Still, 6 pounds in 10 days is pretty darn good. My pants fit again, yay!
Rich is doing ok, but he is strained. Lots of things going on that I cannot really talk about here. I miss him terribly, as always. I am greatly looking forward to next month when he can come home for a few days.
Oh yeah, and the groundhog saw his shadow this morning. 6 more weeks of winter. Blah! Oh well, it seems like it's always winter until April, regardless of what the groundhog says.
TTFN!
Friday, February 1, 2008
A Story That Must Be Shared
Since I have posted in the past several days about how my own personal faith has been restored, I wanted to share with you a blog that I have come across in the past several weeks.
The story of a wonderful family, with a miracle unfolding in their lives.
www.confessionsofaCFhusband.com
Their story has touched my heart in so many ways, and helped me along in my own journey. Meghann (my 13 year old daughter) has been following their blog, and exclaims every day "Mom, this is proof that God exists and still performs miracles."
God Bless You, Nate, Tricia and Baby Gwyneth!
The story of a wonderful family, with a miracle unfolding in their lives.
www.confessionsofaCFhusband.com
Their story has touched my heart in so many ways, and helped me along in my own journey. Meghann (my 13 year old daughter) has been following their blog, and exclaims every day "Mom, this is proof that God exists and still performs miracles."
God Bless You, Nate, Tricia and Baby Gwyneth!
I feel like crap!
Well, it looks as though I have caught the fabulous cold that is making it's rounds in this house. Only mine has seemingly settled in my head.
I have to get the kids in a few minutes, and when I get back I am going to put on my jammies and veg, maybe even get a nap.
Due to a "winter storm" school was delayed 2 hours today, so I am all discombobulated.
Catch ya all sometime in the next few days!
I have to get the kids in a few minutes, and when I get back I am going to put on my jammies and veg, maybe even get a nap.
Due to a "winter storm" school was delayed 2 hours today, so I am all discombobulated.
Catch ya all sometime in the next few days!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Faith Restored- Part Two
Where was I?
Anyway, my health continued to deteriorate throughout the spring, summer and fall months of 2007. It was around August, that I realized after research that I had many symptoms of acid reflux. Even though I didn't actually have heart burn. My breathing was terrible at night, I was literally afraid to go to sleep at night, terrified that I would die in my sleep. I would lie there, and my heart would feel like it was pounding out of my chest, racing. I had these terrible pains behind my sternum (breastbone). By the time fall rolled around, I honestly feared that my situation was hopeless, and that there was nothing that anyone could do. My marriage had taken a beating by me being so ill all the time, and my kids, I am quite certain were tired of having a Mom who was basically a blob 90% of the time. At one point, I don't remember the date exactly, I got on my knees and prayed harder than I had in years. All I wanted was to feel normal again. I am not sure what led me to the place where I prayed, I hadn't in months. The next morning dawned, and I felt a bit better. I had been on a new medication for acid reflux, and that was helping a bit as well.
Early November rolled around, and we found out that Rich was going back to Iraq. On the outside, I was dealing with it much like I had been dealing with everything else... My general outlook was "Ok, whatever." But inside, I was crumbling. Rich was the only thing I had to hold onto, and the seperation was not something I was looking forward to. The rest of this story is rather dull, so I will skip it to January, this month, after Rich had left.
(For those who know me well, they understand that I am an over-analyzer to the extreme. I am incredibly indecisive, mostly because I can take an idea, any idea, and just blow it all to heck. I worry, constantly about everything. To say I have had a lot of worries on my mind since June of '06 may be the understatement of the year. )
I went to my new Dr. here in Ohio a few weeks back for prescriptions for my meds, since the way things happened before we left NJ, I didn't have time to make it to the clinic to get my meds or prescriptions to bring with me. He actually took the time to talk to me, which is odd in this day of high cost and low personal care medicine. We talked about my autoimmune disease, the hypothyroidism and then we talked about the GERD and how the Nexium wasn't helping me much. I was still taking around 300 mg of Zantac a day, too, just to control the symptoms. I wasn't sleeping well, in fact Ihad such terrible dark circles under my eyes, I looked like a creature out of "Night of the Living Dead." He asked me when my reflux had started, and after thinking about it, I told him late 2006 in my recollection. Remember that it took me 8+ months to get a Dr to realize that I had acid reflux and not asthma. Well, combined with the insomnia and all of the other symptoms I was having he asked me if anything significant had happened to me during that time.... Hmmm, well yes, my Mother died in 2006. He smiled at me, and told me that while he was sure I had GERD, he looked at my throat and could tell that much. He was the first person to tell me what he thought that my symptoms, GERD included were directly caused by anxiety and depression. He asked me to do a trial of some meds for that which I agreed to, desperation will lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. :-) I started feeling better within a few days, amazingly so. But that is not what this blog is about.
It was time for me to figure out WHY I was suffering from these conditions, besides the obvious. It took me a while to gain the courage, but eventually I decided that it was time to open the closet of my past and present, the closet where I stuff all of those boxes of pain, shame, guilt, etc. I took out the first "box" and started to look at it... Imagine my surprise when I realized that the box contained a mirror. I picked up the mirror and looked into it with an open mind, and was incredibly distraught by what I saw.
A 36-year-old woman who was in terrible emotional pain, it shone through my eyes. A woman who was filled with such anger, such rage, such distrust of humanity. A nearly faithless woman who did not understand anything in her life. Someone who once again was pushing people out of her life, as was her habit throughout her life, a mechanism of self defense that she learned at an early age. And most of all, a woman who hated herself, each and everything about herself. The old self hatred, the feelings of worthlessness, the emptiness.
Satan is so good at making us doubt ourselves, doubting our God. I didn't know what to do with this reflection, I didn't know what to do with the future, the past. And all of the sudden, I had this very loud voice in my ear, telling me "Be still and know that I am God." Perhaps it was my conscience, my spirit, but whatever it was, I know that it was from God. The next morning I sat down at my computer and googled that phrase and found the whole scripture. I don't know that I have ever read that scripture before.
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth
Wow, God was sending me a message! He was telling me "Amanda, sit down and shut up. I am God, I have a plan for you. Even though you turned from me, I have not turned from you."
Tears rolled down my face. I understand now, that He has been carrying me. He has always believed in me, and He has never left my side. He has made so many things transpire in the past year of my life, things I didn't understand when they happened. Things I will probably blog about in the future.
My faith is restored, my future lies ahead. I can see the amazing blessings God has given me in my life.
And to close, for today. I leave the lyrics of one of my favorite Christian songs, "First Love" by Petra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I598yego7Q
Sometimes I feel I'm pulled in so many wrong directions
Sometimes I feel the world seducing my affections
It's not that I don't know the way
It's just a heart that's prone to stray
But with my weaknesses admitted
You will keep all that I've committed
So I commit my heart to YouMy First Love
First Love - First LoveMy soul longs after
YouFirst Love - First LoveI want my heart to stay so true
Because You first loved me Jesus
You will always beYou will always be My First Love
It's taken me some time to try to comprehend
A love that doesn't change - a love without an end
A love that keeps forgiving
A love of sacrifice and giving
I delight myself in You
My First LoveIf
I ever lack enduranceI remember Your assurance
That Your only banner over me is love
If my heart begins to waiver
Woo me back, my loving SaviorWoo me back till I return to my First Love
Anyway, my health continued to deteriorate throughout the spring, summer and fall months of 2007. It was around August, that I realized after research that I had many symptoms of acid reflux. Even though I didn't actually have heart burn. My breathing was terrible at night, I was literally afraid to go to sleep at night, terrified that I would die in my sleep. I would lie there, and my heart would feel like it was pounding out of my chest, racing. I had these terrible pains behind my sternum (breastbone). By the time fall rolled around, I honestly feared that my situation was hopeless, and that there was nothing that anyone could do. My marriage had taken a beating by me being so ill all the time, and my kids, I am quite certain were tired of having a Mom who was basically a blob 90% of the time. At one point, I don't remember the date exactly, I got on my knees and prayed harder than I had in years. All I wanted was to feel normal again. I am not sure what led me to the place where I prayed, I hadn't in months. The next morning dawned, and I felt a bit better. I had been on a new medication for acid reflux, and that was helping a bit as well.
Early November rolled around, and we found out that Rich was going back to Iraq. On the outside, I was dealing with it much like I had been dealing with everything else... My general outlook was "Ok, whatever." But inside, I was crumbling. Rich was the only thing I had to hold onto, and the seperation was not something I was looking forward to. The rest of this story is rather dull, so I will skip it to January, this month, after Rich had left.
(For those who know me well, they understand that I am an over-analyzer to the extreme. I am incredibly indecisive, mostly because I can take an idea, any idea, and just blow it all to heck. I worry, constantly about everything. To say I have had a lot of worries on my mind since June of '06 may be the understatement of the year. )
I went to my new Dr. here in Ohio a few weeks back for prescriptions for my meds, since the way things happened before we left NJ, I didn't have time to make it to the clinic to get my meds or prescriptions to bring with me. He actually took the time to talk to me, which is odd in this day of high cost and low personal care medicine. We talked about my autoimmune disease, the hypothyroidism and then we talked about the GERD and how the Nexium wasn't helping me much. I was still taking around 300 mg of Zantac a day, too, just to control the symptoms. I wasn't sleeping well, in fact Ihad such terrible dark circles under my eyes, I looked like a creature out of "Night of the Living Dead." He asked me when my reflux had started, and after thinking about it, I told him late 2006 in my recollection. Remember that it took me 8+ months to get a Dr to realize that I had acid reflux and not asthma. Well, combined with the insomnia and all of the other symptoms I was having he asked me if anything significant had happened to me during that time.... Hmmm, well yes, my Mother died in 2006. He smiled at me, and told me that while he was sure I had GERD, he looked at my throat and could tell that much. He was the first person to tell me what he thought that my symptoms, GERD included were directly caused by anxiety and depression. He asked me to do a trial of some meds for that which I agreed to, desperation will lead people to do things they normally wouldn't. :-) I started feeling better within a few days, amazingly so. But that is not what this blog is about.
It was time for me to figure out WHY I was suffering from these conditions, besides the obvious. It took me a while to gain the courage, but eventually I decided that it was time to open the closet of my past and present, the closet where I stuff all of those boxes of pain, shame, guilt, etc. I took out the first "box" and started to look at it... Imagine my surprise when I realized that the box contained a mirror. I picked up the mirror and looked into it with an open mind, and was incredibly distraught by what I saw.
A 36-year-old woman who was in terrible emotional pain, it shone through my eyes. A woman who was filled with such anger, such rage, such distrust of humanity. A nearly faithless woman who did not understand anything in her life. Someone who once again was pushing people out of her life, as was her habit throughout her life, a mechanism of self defense that she learned at an early age. And most of all, a woman who hated herself, each and everything about herself. The old self hatred, the feelings of worthlessness, the emptiness.
Satan is so good at making us doubt ourselves, doubting our God. I didn't know what to do with this reflection, I didn't know what to do with the future, the past. And all of the sudden, I had this very loud voice in my ear, telling me "Be still and know that I am God." Perhaps it was my conscience, my spirit, but whatever it was, I know that it was from God. The next morning I sat down at my computer and googled that phrase and found the whole scripture. I don't know that I have ever read that scripture before.
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth
Wow, God was sending me a message! He was telling me "Amanda, sit down and shut up. I am God, I have a plan for you. Even though you turned from me, I have not turned from you."
Tears rolled down my face. I understand now, that He has been carrying me. He has always believed in me, and He has never left my side. He has made so many things transpire in the past year of my life, things I didn't understand when they happened. Things I will probably blog about in the future.
My faith is restored, my future lies ahead. I can see the amazing blessings God has given me in my life.
And to close, for today. I leave the lyrics of one of my favorite Christian songs, "First Love" by Petra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I598yego7Q
Sometimes I feel I'm pulled in so many wrong directions
Sometimes I feel the world seducing my affections
It's not that I don't know the way
It's just a heart that's prone to stray
But with my weaknesses admitted
You will keep all that I've committed
So I commit my heart to YouMy First Love
First Love - First LoveMy soul longs after
YouFirst Love - First LoveI want my heart to stay so true
Because You first loved me Jesus
You will always beYou will always be My First Love
It's taken me some time to try to comprehend
A love that doesn't change - a love without an end
A love that keeps forgiving
A love of sacrifice and giving
I delight myself in You
My First LoveIf
I ever lack enduranceI remember Your assurance
That Your only banner over me is love
If my heart begins to waiver
Woo me back, my loving SaviorWoo me back till I return to my First Love
Faith Restored- Part One
You know, the past 19 months have been a very shaky time for me emotionally and physically. The very foundation of my faith was shaken, and shaken violently when my Mom passed away. I will admit here in my blog, that for quite a few months, I wasn't even sure that I believed anymore. I couldn't understand why God would take my Mom, I wasn't ready for her to go, she wasn't ready to go! Her grandchildren (particularly mine since Rich lost his Mom when he was 8) deserved to have a Grandma! I was angry, I was hurting so deeply. I was basically PO'd at the world. I was 34 years old, and I had lost the two most important women in the world to me. My grandmother when I was 17 and now my mother at 34. I sat with her while she died, and it was the most horrible experience in my life. I have never felt as helpless as I did that day, and I have never felt as much guilt as I have since then. Rich and I were the only people present when they took her off the ventilator, and we were the people she had told the night before that she didn't want to die. I felt responsible, and to a point I still do. Confession is good for the soul they say, and since this is my blog, I am confessing.
In my rational mind, I knew that there was no 'life' for her beyond her existence then, intubated, not able to breathe on her own and sedated. I knew that if not for medical intervention, she would have died the night before. But my heart couldn't understand that. My heart didn't want her to go, and probably would have been content if she was just 'there' and not really living.
The aftermath of Mom's death was even harder. I had to leave my Dad, and go back to my real life in New Jersey. The life of being Rich's wife, Matt, Meg and Hannah's mom and a full time employee in the accounting department of my previous employer. I spent every night over a few weeks, crying myself to sleep and feeling so empty and broken.
A month went by, two months. I have more to deal with, my Dad has a new relationship. I don't know how to deal with that, and I still don't even today.
All this time, I am stuffing, stuffing. Putting my pain into boxes in my proverbial closet. I cried for her, but people told me it was time to move on. I know that when we grieve, we truly grieve for ourselves, not for the person who passed. And we do this because we miss them. My pain grew into Anger, so much anger. I wish I would have given myself more time to grieve. There is no set time for it, I understand that now.
One day at work, shortly before Christmas a very sweet Christian lady at work made a comment about this being my Mom's first Christmas in Heaven. And how she would be singing with the angels. I turned around and looked at her, and told her "There is no heaven, there is only death. My mother is just dead!" Where did that come from? This woman was so very sweet to me, and in fact suffered from the same condition that Mom did. She greeted me with hugs nearly every day, and particularly on the days she could tell I was hurting. Perhaps she was an angel, sent from Mom to comfort me, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to hear it.
My faith in God has always been a cornerstone in my life. In fact during my younger years, when I so often felt like I was walking through hell, it was my relationship with Jesus that drug me through. Each and every day, I would cry out to Him. I would talk to Him, like a friend, and I really felt as though He was my friend. I had a personal relationship with Him, that it seemed many people around me didn't. Although God didn't always answer my prayers in the time frame that I wanted Him to, He always answered them. Any doubts I had about that, were resolved the day I met my wonderful husband. God has given me such an amazing gift in that man.
Once January of 2007 came along, all of the turmoil and stress I was feeling in my life began to take a toll on my physical health. I was experiencing what I know now are panic attacks, and was misdiagnosed for a year. I had debilitating dizzy spells all during the day, so bad that on one occasion, my supervisor was walking behind me in the hallway at work and he had to catch me so I didn't hit the floor when I grew very faint. By April of 2007, I was waking up at night gasping for breath. I was terrified, I thought I was going to die. I was diagnosed with asthma, viral pneumonia, severe allergies, God knows what else. At one time I was taking 8 prescription drugs each and every day for various allergy/respiratory issues and I was not getting better at all.
I will finish this later this afternoon, have to run some errands.
In my rational mind, I knew that there was no 'life' for her beyond her existence then, intubated, not able to breathe on her own and sedated. I knew that if not for medical intervention, she would have died the night before. But my heart couldn't understand that. My heart didn't want her to go, and probably would have been content if she was just 'there' and not really living.
The aftermath of Mom's death was even harder. I had to leave my Dad, and go back to my real life in New Jersey. The life of being Rich's wife, Matt, Meg and Hannah's mom and a full time employee in the accounting department of my previous employer. I spent every night over a few weeks, crying myself to sleep and feeling so empty and broken.
A month went by, two months. I have more to deal with, my Dad has a new relationship. I don't know how to deal with that, and I still don't even today.
All this time, I am stuffing, stuffing. Putting my pain into boxes in my proverbial closet. I cried for her, but people told me it was time to move on. I know that when we grieve, we truly grieve for ourselves, not for the person who passed. And we do this because we miss them. My pain grew into Anger, so much anger. I wish I would have given myself more time to grieve. There is no set time for it, I understand that now.
One day at work, shortly before Christmas a very sweet Christian lady at work made a comment about this being my Mom's first Christmas in Heaven. And how she would be singing with the angels. I turned around and looked at her, and told her "There is no heaven, there is only death. My mother is just dead!" Where did that come from? This woman was so very sweet to me, and in fact suffered from the same condition that Mom did. She greeted me with hugs nearly every day, and particularly on the days she could tell I was hurting. Perhaps she was an angel, sent from Mom to comfort me, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to hear it.
My faith in God has always been a cornerstone in my life. In fact during my younger years, when I so often felt like I was walking through hell, it was my relationship with Jesus that drug me through. Each and every day, I would cry out to Him. I would talk to Him, like a friend, and I really felt as though He was my friend. I had a personal relationship with Him, that it seemed many people around me didn't. Although God didn't always answer my prayers in the time frame that I wanted Him to, He always answered them. Any doubts I had about that, were resolved the day I met my wonderful husband. God has given me such an amazing gift in that man.
Once January of 2007 came along, all of the turmoil and stress I was feeling in my life began to take a toll on my physical health. I was experiencing what I know now are panic attacks, and was misdiagnosed for a year. I had debilitating dizzy spells all during the day, so bad that on one occasion, my supervisor was walking behind me in the hallway at work and he had to catch me so I didn't hit the floor when I grew very faint. By April of 2007, I was waking up at night gasping for breath. I was terrified, I thought I was going to die. I was diagnosed with asthma, viral pneumonia, severe allergies, God knows what else. At one time I was taking 8 prescription drugs each and every day for various allergy/respiratory issues and I was not getting better at all.
I will finish this later this afternoon, have to run some errands.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It's Laundry Day!
Well, here it is, Wednesday which means that it's laundry day! Laundry is done here on Wednesday and Sunday, only.
I know at this point you are probably scratching your head and wondering what in the heck I am talking about. Well, look at it this way- when you are the wife to a deployed solider, you need a routine and often things to occupy your time. So I have a chore schedule for myself. I mean, after all, who wants to waste all the fun on just one or two days a week?
The other reason is that as soon as my Dad gets home, I will be sharing the washer and dryer with him. So, it's good to have a schedule in place before hand, no?
Yes, I am a bit neurotic, but that just adds to my overall charm! Hee Hee
Not much going on here today, I have some work to do and of course the laundry. I also need to write to my husband, which I try to do 3x per week. It's hard sometimes to think of what to say in those letters. They really could be only 3 lines.
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Get your A$$ home ASAP.
That is really all of the pertinent information I need to relay to him. Yet, I know that mail is so very important to our soldiers. Even though we talk on the phone every day, it's sad to have mail call and not have anything.
He is doing ok, all things considered. They should start their field training very soon, and I am looking forward to that, even thought it will not be a lot of fun for him. His pass should come about immediately after the training, once they are validated for deployment. March cannot get here soon enough! Hoping to hear more about that shortly.
Tomorrow, it will be a month since we have seen him. It's hard to believe, honestly. And we are nearly at 5 weeks on Monday. The only good thing about it is that time is passing by, and the faster it goes by, the faster he will come home. Approximately 345 days to go. I will be glad when we get under 300! I am excited about resuming our lives together when he gets home, and find out exactly where we will be living.
Hannah has been a bit down, which I think I have blogged about before. Last night, a few of her friends from Jersey called her, and she got super excited about that. This move has been difficult for them, it breaks my heart. I sense that they are being troopers, but none of them are very happy here. :-(
Well the buzzer is going off on the dryer, which means it's time for me to go. Be well and stay warm everyone!!
I know at this point you are probably scratching your head and wondering what in the heck I am talking about. Well, look at it this way- when you are the wife to a deployed solider, you need a routine and often things to occupy your time. So I have a chore schedule for myself. I mean, after all, who wants to waste all the fun on just one or two days a week?
The other reason is that as soon as my Dad gets home, I will be sharing the washer and dryer with him. So, it's good to have a schedule in place before hand, no?
Yes, I am a bit neurotic, but that just adds to my overall charm! Hee Hee
Not much going on here today, I have some work to do and of course the laundry. I also need to write to my husband, which I try to do 3x per week. It's hard sometimes to think of what to say in those letters. They really could be only 3 lines.
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Get your A$$ home ASAP.
That is really all of the pertinent information I need to relay to him. Yet, I know that mail is so very important to our soldiers. Even though we talk on the phone every day, it's sad to have mail call and not have anything.
He is doing ok, all things considered. They should start their field training very soon, and I am looking forward to that, even thought it will not be a lot of fun for him. His pass should come about immediately after the training, once they are validated for deployment. March cannot get here soon enough! Hoping to hear more about that shortly.
Tomorrow, it will be a month since we have seen him. It's hard to believe, honestly. And we are nearly at 5 weeks on Monday. The only good thing about it is that time is passing by, and the faster it goes by, the faster he will come home. Approximately 345 days to go. I will be glad when we get under 300! I am excited about resuming our lives together when he gets home, and find out exactly where we will be living.
Hannah has been a bit down, which I think I have blogged about before. Last night, a few of her friends from Jersey called her, and she got super excited about that. This move has been difficult for them, it breaks my heart. I sense that they are being troopers, but none of them are very happy here. :-(
Well the buzzer is going off on the dryer, which means it's time for me to go. Be well and stay warm everyone!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Cold January Rain...
Today has been a blah day for the most part. It's 'warm' for central Ohio standards in late January (45 degrees at the moment) but it's been drizzly all day. I have still managed to get a few things done around here today, but really, all I feel like doing is once again pulling the covers over my head and sleeping the day away, perhaps the week.
Rich has been in class for the past few days, and has been enjoying the true luxuries of life, like heated bathrooms! We are talking real lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff here, people! His last day is tomorrow, and then they are doing ??? God knows what. He has been at Ft. Dix for 2 weeks now, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. He got to sleep shortly after 10 last night, and had to get up at 4:30 for breakfast. I mean, I have to force myself to eat breakfast, at 8 let alone at 4:30. I worry about him.
That's about it for today, too sleepy and fuzzy headed to be witty today, so I'll catch ya in the am.
Rich has been in class for the past few days, and has been enjoying the true luxuries of life, like heated bathrooms! We are talking real lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff here, people! His last day is tomorrow, and then they are doing ??? God knows what. He has been at Ft. Dix for 2 weeks now, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. He got to sleep shortly after 10 last night, and had to get up at 4:30 for breakfast. I mean, I have to force myself to eat breakfast, at 8 let alone at 4:30. I worry about him.
That's about it for today, too sleepy and fuzzy headed to be witty today, so I'll catch ya in the am.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A Good Weekend, So Far
Well, besides the incident at the grocery store that I blogged about yesterday, it's been a pretty decent weekend.
Matt went and played basketball at the Y yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. He has been so ill, and it's awesome to see him feeling better. While he was gone, the girls and I went to the library and then to the grocery store. There was a funny incident at the library...
I signed up for a card for the girls and I, and the lady tells me that there are some fines on my account from 94. I am thinking, ok- how much are they? Probably returned a book a week late or something. And she tells me that it's $85.00!! I looked at her like she was insane. And when I asked why, she told me there was a Stephen King book that was returned with a few pages ripped out and that they had charged me for the book. I could not even imagine what on earth I would have returned a book in that condition for. And then I remembered... In November 1994, Matthew was 1 1/2 and a force of nature. Although I didn't know that he did this, I can imagine the book being on the couch or something and Matt deciding in his toddler mind to remodel the book a bit. LOL So, I came home and told him that he owes me $85.00. When he asked why, I explained it to him, and this is the reply that I got: "Well, Mom, seeing as how I was one year old- I would think that if that happened, you and Dad must not have been watching over me well enough. So I would imagine that it would be parental responsibility." LOL, we have created a nearly 15-year-old Monster!!
I got the number to the library manager, and I am going to call him tomorrow to protest this charge. I told the lady at the desk that I could go to Barnes and Noble right now and buy a new copy of this book for $10.99 for them, and that I refuse to pay $85.00. That is just nuts.
The good news I got last night, without going into details: Rich's 4 day pass may become a 10 day pass, and he might get to come home to Ohio instead of us going there. Yay! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. He really wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. Please pray with us that this comes to fruition and that maybe, just maybe- it will be over the time period of Matt's birthday.
Weighed in this morning after nearly a week of Low Carbing, and guess what? I have lost 5 pounds this week!! I am SO excited about that! I only have 4 more to go to get back to where I started before the illness caused me to gain a few pounds. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that maybe the other 20 I want to lose will come off somewhat easily, now that we have my thyroid issues under control. Think single digit clothing size! It's not important for me to wear an 8 instead of a 12 for any other reason than I want to prove to myself that I can get back there. That's it. Maybe that is selfish of me, but it's a goal I really want to reach.
All in all this has been a decent week. I am feeling pretty darn good, all things considered and it's almost strange to feel normal. I am so accustomed to the problems that come along with GERD and LPR, that it's hard to believe I can lay down at night and go to sleep without breathing issues. Or spend the day without dizzy spells, and a horrible pain behind my sternum. This week, I have had none of that and I am thanking God for it. I am actually beginning to believe that I am not doomed to living a 1/2 life for the rest of my life.
Well things to do today, so I must go for now. TTFN!
Matt went and played basketball at the Y yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. He has been so ill, and it's awesome to see him feeling better. While he was gone, the girls and I went to the library and then to the grocery store. There was a funny incident at the library...
I signed up for a card for the girls and I, and the lady tells me that there are some fines on my account from 94. I am thinking, ok- how much are they? Probably returned a book a week late or something. And she tells me that it's $85.00!! I looked at her like she was insane. And when I asked why, she told me there was a Stephen King book that was returned with a few pages ripped out and that they had charged me for the book. I could not even imagine what on earth I would have returned a book in that condition for. And then I remembered... In November 1994, Matthew was 1 1/2 and a force of nature. Although I didn't know that he did this, I can imagine the book being on the couch or something and Matt deciding in his toddler mind to remodel the book a bit. LOL So, I came home and told him that he owes me $85.00. When he asked why, I explained it to him, and this is the reply that I got: "Well, Mom, seeing as how I was one year old- I would think that if that happened, you and Dad must not have been watching over me well enough. So I would imagine that it would be parental responsibility." LOL, we have created a nearly 15-year-old Monster!!
I got the number to the library manager, and I am going to call him tomorrow to protest this charge. I told the lady at the desk that I could go to Barnes and Noble right now and buy a new copy of this book for $10.99 for them, and that I refuse to pay $85.00. That is just nuts.
The good news I got last night, without going into details: Rich's 4 day pass may become a 10 day pass, and he might get to come home to Ohio instead of us going there. Yay! I am so excited, I can't even tell you. He really wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. Please pray with us that this comes to fruition and that maybe, just maybe- it will be over the time period of Matt's birthday.
Weighed in this morning after nearly a week of Low Carbing, and guess what? I have lost 5 pounds this week!! I am SO excited about that! I only have 4 more to go to get back to where I started before the illness caused me to gain a few pounds. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that maybe the other 20 I want to lose will come off somewhat easily, now that we have my thyroid issues under control. Think single digit clothing size! It's not important for me to wear an 8 instead of a 12 for any other reason than I want to prove to myself that I can get back there. That's it. Maybe that is selfish of me, but it's a goal I really want to reach.
All in all this has been a decent week. I am feeling pretty darn good, all things considered and it's almost strange to feel normal. I am so accustomed to the problems that come along with GERD and LPR, that it's hard to believe I can lay down at night and go to sleep without breathing issues. Or spend the day without dizzy spells, and a horrible pain behind my sternum. This week, I have had none of that and I am thanking God for it. I am actually beginning to believe that I am not doomed to living a 1/2 life for the rest of my life.
Well things to do today, so I must go for now. TTFN!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
So, it happened...
Today, the girls and I were at the grocery store. We rounded the corner on an aisle, and there standing in front of us was a man in ACUS, for you non military types, that's the Army uniform.
I looked at Meghann, and she looked at me and both of us had tears rolling down our faces. It hurt so badly, you can't even imagine.
Nearly every day, I'd be at the sink doing dishes and see Rich walking up the sidewalk in his uniform. The ACU was a part of our daily lives, a part of my laundry routine for sure. We haven't seen that uniform for nearly a month, and it took my breath away. I miss him so terribly, I can't even find the words to describe it. We all miss him, his family needs him.
My soldier, my husband, my HERO.
I looked at Meghann, and she looked at me and both of us had tears rolling down our faces. It hurt so badly, you can't even imagine.
Nearly every day, I'd be at the sink doing dishes and see Rich walking up the sidewalk in his uniform. The ACU was a part of our daily lives, a part of my laundry routine for sure. We haven't seen that uniform for nearly a month, and it took my breath away. I miss him so terribly, I can't even find the words to describe it. We all miss him, his family needs him.
My soldier, my husband, my HERO.
God, please watch over him and keep him safe... and if it's not too much to ask, can you please make time go by just a little bit faster? I am pretty sure that we need him more than the Iraqi's do.
Thanks,
Amanda
Thanks,
Amanda
Army Spouses Prayer
Author Unknown
Dear Lord,Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.
Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he is away.
When he is in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And, when duty is in the field, please protect him/her and be his shield.
And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.AMEN
Low Carb Living- On the Soapbox
As most of you know, I was a low carber pretty religiously for about 3 1/2 years and lost about 80 pounds in total doing it. Sometime in the past year, I started slipping away from it and as a result, my digestive tract went nuts and I gained about 10 pounds. I generally felt yucky. So often, people ask me about low carbing, and try to tell me that it's unhealthy, it will raise your cholesterol, etc.
Anyone who has truly lived a low carb life will tell you that this is not the case at all. In fact, my Dr. congratulated me just this past week on being one of the few 36 year old patients in his practice who is NOT on either cholesterol medication or blood pressure medication. With the exception of my Thyroid disease (which is genetic and has nothing to do with diet anyway) and the acid reflux, my health is very good! In fact, my HDL (good cholestrol) levels are around 100 which every Dr I have talked to, says is amazing!
I have gone back to low carbing in the past week, and my reflux has almost completely gone away! Thank God! And I feel so much better. As a result, I have lost 3 pounds this week already which is pretty darn awesome in my view!
I felt compelled to talk about this today, because I see such an epidemic of obesity in this country, particularly amongst our young people. So, I wanted to share an article about Low Carbing with everyone. I have taken the liberty of bolding some areas that I think are particulary poignant.
Low Carb Diet Health Benefits
Did you know that there are an estimated 65 million overweight Americans (roughly two-thirds of the population)? The weight problem in the United States -- as well as world-wide -- is becoming an epidemic. However, the good news is that approximately 9-35 million people follow some or all of the guidelines for a high-protein, low-carb dietary plan. These individuals regularly enjoy a variety of delicious and nutritious low carb recipes, even as the pounds melt away.Clearly, weight loss is a goal for many people, and low carb plans have been shown to provide a method for gradual and safe weight management. Plus, the low carb diet is exploding in popularity, as it has helped people lose weight quickly and effectively. In fact, according to leading low carb experts, if followed correctly, low carb dieters usually lose 4-8 lbs. in the first two weeks. Not only are traditionally healthy foods undergoing a low carb makeover, but now, foods previously labeled as "junk food" are being transformed into low carb alternatives. Why, the media is now saturated with advertisements for low carb fast food! But when it comes to low carb foods and low carb diets, in general, you may have heard stories of meat-laden feasts, or strict regimens of tasteless (and relatively unhealthy) low carb food as menu selections. So, what is low carb, and is a low carb diet your best -- and healthiest -- weight management option?What Is Low Carb Dieting?The basic science behind the low carb diet philosophy is this: Reduce your carbohydrate (carb) intake -- white flour and sugar -- and increase your intake of high quality protein sources (such as meat, fish and beans).The evidence supporting the low carb diet approach as a viable weight reduction method continues to mount. Recent studies published in the New England Journal of Medicine have shown that a low carb diet is superior to a low-fat diet for weight reduction. New research indicates that people following a low carb diet lose more weight than people on a low-fat diet, even if they consume up to 300 extra calories per day. Basically, low carb diets, as opposed to other types of diets (including low fat, low protein or low cholesterol) are easier to "stick to," and result in less hunger and less of a need to cheat.It may be said that the low carb legacy was due to the efforts of one man -- Dr. Robert Atkins. The man behind the "Atkins Diet, Dr. Atkins, was a pioneer in the field of weight reduction using low carbohydrate diets. Since the publication of his first book, numerous studies have been published demonstrating the benefits of a low carb diet. Learn more about the Atkins Diet low carb weight loss program.
Is Low Carb Dieting Safe?
Low carb diets are not only safe, but if followed properly, can be heart-healthy. Low carb diets have several beneficial effects on cholesterol. A study published in the Canadian Journal of Physiology and Pharmacology showed reductions in total cholesterol, LDL (bad) cholesterol and systolic blood pressure. This supports prior studies that have come to the same conclusion. Low carb diets may also be beneficial for those with diabetes, as it may improve the control of their blood sugar (glucose) levels.You may also have heard that low carb diets are not healthy for long-term use. A study published in the Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine reviewed approximately 50 studies that used low carbohydrate diets for weight reduction. No credible scientific evidence that this approach was detrimental to someone's health was found. Another common criticism is that these diets may cause decreases in bone density. A Danish study published in the journal Obesity Research showed no adverse effects on bone mineral density after 6 months of a high protein, low carb diet.
Anyone who has truly lived a low carb life will tell you that this is not the case at all. In fact, my Dr. congratulated me just this past week on being one of the few 36 year old patients in his practice who is NOT on either cholesterol medication or blood pressure medication. With the exception of my Thyroid disease (which is genetic and has nothing to do with diet anyway) and the acid reflux, my health is very good! In fact, my HDL (good cholestrol) levels are around 100 which every Dr I have talked to, says is amazing!
I have gone back to low carbing in the past week, and my reflux has almost completely gone away! Thank God! And I feel so much better. As a result, I have lost 3 pounds this week already which is pretty darn awesome in my view!
I felt compelled to talk about this today, because I see such an epidemic of obesity in this country, particularly amongst our young people. So, I wanted to share an article about Low Carbing with everyone. I have taken the liberty of bolding some areas that I think are particulary poignant.
Low Carb Diet Health Benefits
Did you know that there are an estimated 65 million overweight Americans (roughly two-thirds of the population)? The weight problem in the United States -- as well as world-wide -- is becoming an epidemic. However, the good news is that approximately 9-35 million people follow some or all of the guidelines for a high-protein, low-carb dietary plan. These individuals regularly enjoy a variety of delicious and nutritious low carb recipes, even as the pounds melt away.Clearly, weight loss is a goal for many people, and low carb plans have been shown to provide a method for gradual and safe weight management. Plus, the low carb diet is exploding in popularity, as it has helped people lose weight quickly and effectively. In fact, according to leading low carb experts, if followed correctly, low carb dieters usually lose 4-8 lbs. in the first two weeks. Not only are traditionally healthy foods undergoing a low carb makeover, but now, foods previously labeled as "junk food" are being transformed into low carb alternatives. Why, the media is now saturated with advertisements for low carb fast food! But when it comes to low carb foods and low carb diets, in general, you may have heard stories of meat-laden feasts, or strict regimens of tasteless (and relatively unhealthy) low carb food as menu selections. So, what is low carb, and is a low carb diet your best -- and healthiest -- weight management option?What Is Low Carb Dieting?The basic science behind the low carb diet philosophy is this: Reduce your carbohydrate (carb) intake -- white flour and sugar -- and increase your intake of high quality protein sources (such as meat, fish and beans).The evidence supporting the low carb diet approach as a viable weight reduction method continues to mount. Recent studies published in the New England Journal of Medicine have shown that a low carb diet is superior to a low-fat diet for weight reduction. New research indicates that people following a low carb diet lose more weight than people on a low-fat diet, even if they consume up to 300 extra calories per day. Basically, low carb diets, as opposed to other types of diets (including low fat, low protein or low cholesterol) are easier to "stick to," and result in less hunger and less of a need to cheat.It may be said that the low carb legacy was due to the efforts of one man -- Dr. Robert Atkins. The man behind the "Atkins Diet, Dr. Atkins, was a pioneer in the field of weight reduction using low carbohydrate diets. Since the publication of his first book, numerous studies have been published demonstrating the benefits of a low carb diet. Learn more about the Atkins Diet low carb weight loss program.
Is Low Carb Dieting Safe?
Low carb diets are not only safe, but if followed properly, can be heart-healthy. Low carb diets have several beneficial effects on cholesterol. A study published in the Canadian Journal of Physiology and Pharmacology showed reductions in total cholesterol, LDL (bad) cholesterol and systolic blood pressure. This supports prior studies that have come to the same conclusion. Low carb diets may also be beneficial for those with diabetes, as it may improve the control of their blood sugar (glucose) levels.You may also have heard that low carb diets are not healthy for long-term use. A study published in the Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine reviewed approximately 50 studies that used low carbohydrate diets for weight reduction. No credible scientific evidence that this approach was detrimental to someone's health was found. Another common criticism is that these diets may cause decreases in bone density. A Danish study published in the journal Obesity Research showed no adverse effects on bone mineral density after 6 months of a high protein, low carb diet.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Woo Hoo! It's Friday!
Good Morning, it's a balmy -2 degrees here in Central Ohio. Break out the bathing suits! I just checked weather.com and realized that back in Jersey, it's 21 degrees. See, it is warmer there. How odd! By Monday, it's going to be in the 40's, which in Ohio feels like a heatwave. Brrrr. Have I told you lately how glad I am that January is almost over? I am!
I didn't have such a great visit at the dentist yesterday. Besides the filling I knew I needed, I have 2 more that I need and he said that I have gum disease. How on earth I got that, I am not sure. They tell me that 50% of those of us over 30 have it. I take very good care of my teeth, and always have had very good teeth. Until I started having children, I never even had a cavity! What this means though is that I am going to be taking my yearly maximum dental benefits for a ride, which this early in the year, really stinks. Oh well, I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I have dental benefits, right?
Otherwise, I guess things are ok. Hannah has the cold that her brother had, and I am watching her very carefully because of her tendency to get strep throat.
I am doing pretty well, all things considered. Still very emotional though. In fact, last night the kids and I were watching "Artic Tale" and when this baby polar bear died, I started bawling... Goofy, I know. But that is how on edge I am these days. Everything seems to make me cry. My Dr. and I are working together to find a solution to that.
I am very concerned about Rich these days, and the treatment these guys are receiving at their MOB site. I really cannot go into details here, as this is a public forum. But, please keep them in your prayers. It's going to be a very long training period for them, to say the least. He is hanging in there, but that is one of the many things I admire about him. He is SO strong! And he can adapt to every situation. I wish so often that I was more like him. But of course I am not. That leads me to another 'pet peeve' of mine... Since this is my blog, and I don't know if many people are reading it and even if you are reading it, again it's my blog so I can pretty much say what I want to. Ha!
Why is it that if you are a woman, and almost 6' tall, people assume that you are sooooo strong? It has always been that way for me, and one gets a bit weary of it after a while. I feel sometimes like I have to carry the weight of many people squarely on my shoulders. Cause I am a "strong woman" and I can handle it.
Why can't people see that even when I try to act like I am strong, inside, often times I am unravelling? I just don't get it. I think that another of the things that makes me love Rich so deeply is that he is bigger than I am, and he tries to protect me as best as he can. Never before have I felt as though someone wanted to protect me. How many times in my life did I secretly wish that I was 5' tall, and tiny? I just wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and shelter me. Rich does that, bless his heart, and I love him all the more for it.
It's not a big deal, I just wish that people would stop making assumptions about me because of my size. I am not an emotionless robot, I do cry (see above-the polar bear story ha) and I do have feelings.
End of rant.
I didn't have such a great visit at the dentist yesterday. Besides the filling I knew I needed, I have 2 more that I need and he said that I have gum disease. How on earth I got that, I am not sure. They tell me that 50% of those of us over 30 have it. I take very good care of my teeth, and always have had very good teeth. Until I started having children, I never even had a cavity! What this means though is that I am going to be taking my yearly maximum dental benefits for a ride, which this early in the year, really stinks. Oh well, I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I have dental benefits, right?
Otherwise, I guess things are ok. Hannah has the cold that her brother had, and I am watching her very carefully because of her tendency to get strep throat.
I am doing pretty well, all things considered. Still very emotional though. In fact, last night the kids and I were watching "Artic Tale" and when this baby polar bear died, I started bawling... Goofy, I know. But that is how on edge I am these days. Everything seems to make me cry. My Dr. and I are working together to find a solution to that.
I am very concerned about Rich these days, and the treatment these guys are receiving at their MOB site. I really cannot go into details here, as this is a public forum. But, please keep them in your prayers. It's going to be a very long training period for them, to say the least. He is hanging in there, but that is one of the many things I admire about him. He is SO strong! And he can adapt to every situation. I wish so often that I was more like him. But of course I am not. That leads me to another 'pet peeve' of mine... Since this is my blog, and I don't know if many people are reading it and even if you are reading it, again it's my blog so I can pretty much say what I want to. Ha!
Why is it that if you are a woman, and almost 6' tall, people assume that you are sooooo strong? It has always been that way for me, and one gets a bit weary of it after a while. I feel sometimes like I have to carry the weight of many people squarely on my shoulders. Cause I am a "strong woman" and I can handle it.
Why can't people see that even when I try to act like I am strong, inside, often times I am unravelling? I just don't get it. I think that another of the things that makes me love Rich so deeply is that he is bigger than I am, and he tries to protect me as best as he can. Never before have I felt as though someone wanted to protect me. How many times in my life did I secretly wish that I was 5' tall, and tiny? I just wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and shelter me. Rich does that, bless his heart, and I love him all the more for it.
It's not a big deal, I just wish that people would stop making assumptions about me because of my size. I am not an emotionless robot, I do cry (see above-the polar bear story ha) and I do have feelings.
End of rant.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Mortality and Morality- Part 2
Since I didn't get around to concluding this entry last night, I will try to finish it today.
I already touched on my thoughts concerning mortality, and the eternal nature of marriage. When I was much younger, half of my life ago actually, I had some very good friends who were members of the LDS church and spent some time attending services with them and investigating their faith. Although in the end, I decided that it was not for me, one tenament of their faith that I totally agreed with and hang on to even today: Marriage is Eternal and Families are Forever.
Isn't it awesome to think that family God has given us here on earth will be exactly the same in Heaven? That brings me such incredible comfort! It is because of this that I believe with all of my heart that when it is time for me to go, I will be joined by so many of my dearly loved family members on the other side.
Now there remains the question of morality, or what many refer to as "religion." This is a question I am asked about many times, as Rich and I are not regular church goers. Do we believe in God? Of course we do! We just don't agree with so many 'religious' doctrines and the hypocrisy that goes along with them. We do not agree with the masses of people who call themselves "Christians" and use that label to justify their behavior. Not to mention those who seem to believe that you can take scripture and twist it to mean whatever you want it to mean, another means of justification. Where is the personal and/or moral responsibility? It is yet another symptom of the sick world that we live in today.
I am raising my children with a very strong moral code. They know right from wrong, and they know God. They all accept Jesus as their personal savior, and they didn't have to go to church every week to achieve this. How is that possible? Simply, it is because we are raising our children with a solid belief system and showing them, through our actions each and every day that their Dad and I firmly believe in this moral code. Secondly, we confess to our children our past misdeeds when they ask. I tell them that they should save themselves until marriage, for example, because that is what God wants us to do and because it is what is right. Yet, the kids know that their Dad and I did not do that. Instead of it being "Do as I say, not as I do" in this household, it is "Learn from my mistakes." It is about taking responsibility for your actions, something that is seriously lacking in 21st century America.
This is turning into a rant, so I will wrap it up for today. I only got on this subject because I am so often asked about my faith.
A closing thought.... "Christian" means "Christ Like". Do you think that you live your life in a manner that He would approve of? WWJD? Do you strive to be more Christ Like each and every day? Or do you use your personal faith as a crutch, a tool to justify your behavior?
Something to ponder.
I already touched on my thoughts concerning mortality, and the eternal nature of marriage. When I was much younger, half of my life ago actually, I had some very good friends who were members of the LDS church and spent some time attending services with them and investigating their faith. Although in the end, I decided that it was not for me, one tenament of their faith that I totally agreed with and hang on to even today: Marriage is Eternal and Families are Forever.
Isn't it awesome to think that family God has given us here on earth will be exactly the same in Heaven? That brings me such incredible comfort! It is because of this that I believe with all of my heart that when it is time for me to go, I will be joined by so many of my dearly loved family members on the other side.
Now there remains the question of morality, or what many refer to as "religion." This is a question I am asked about many times, as Rich and I are not regular church goers. Do we believe in God? Of course we do! We just don't agree with so many 'religious' doctrines and the hypocrisy that goes along with them. We do not agree with the masses of people who call themselves "Christians" and use that label to justify their behavior. Not to mention those who seem to believe that you can take scripture and twist it to mean whatever you want it to mean, another means of justification. Where is the personal and/or moral responsibility? It is yet another symptom of the sick world that we live in today.
I am raising my children with a very strong moral code. They know right from wrong, and they know God. They all accept Jesus as their personal savior, and they didn't have to go to church every week to achieve this. How is that possible? Simply, it is because we are raising our children with a solid belief system and showing them, through our actions each and every day that their Dad and I firmly believe in this moral code. Secondly, we confess to our children our past misdeeds when they ask. I tell them that they should save themselves until marriage, for example, because that is what God wants us to do and because it is what is right. Yet, the kids know that their Dad and I did not do that. Instead of it being "Do as I say, not as I do" in this household, it is "Learn from my mistakes." It is about taking responsibility for your actions, something that is seriously lacking in 21st century America.
This is turning into a rant, so I will wrap it up for today. I only got on this subject because I am so often asked about my faith.
A closing thought.... "Christian" means "Christ Like". Do you think that you live your life in a manner that He would approve of? WWJD? Do you strive to be more Christ Like each and every day? Or do you use your personal faith as a crutch, a tool to justify your behavior?
Something to ponder.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Mortality and Morality- Part 1
Ok, I know that just a few hours ago I said I would post again in a few days... But I got to thinking. The media coverage of Heath Ledger's death, in fact got me to thinking. He was 28, almost 29 years old-- 8 years younger than me, and he is gone. God bless his soul, btw. He was a wonderfully talented actor and a seemingly great Dad.
When you are that age, or my age of 36, you typically don't think about death very much. You start to see it as something that is inevitable, but so far away you really don't put much thought to it. After all, 40 is the new 30 which is the new 20, etc.
I, however, have had more than a few things happen to me in the past several years which have caused me to think about and sometimes dwell on my mortality... Losing my Mother was the first thing. I think that when we lose our parents it really makes us see our mortality for the first time in a harsh light. After all, if our parents, who are everything to us- our heroes, our caretakers-our everything. If they can die, then we can die too. This is a thought that I have obsessed about many times over the past 19 months. It's pretty scary, and takes some time getting used to.
Then having a husband in the army makes you think about mortality, too. And so often, well meaning but RUDE people ask you "What would you do if he died?" This question is what led me to post today, to answer that question for everyone once and for all.
So, what would I do if Rich made the ultimate sacrifice in Iraq? The answer is clear, and something that he and I have both talked about on numerous occasions.
I would be a Mom, I would be a Grandmother sometime in the future.
But I would never, NEVER, be a wife again.
I firmly believe that marriage is something that you do only once in your lifetime, if you are lucky enough to have that kind of love in your lifetime. Rich is so many things to me, my husband, my partner in every way, and most importantly my very best friend in the world. He and I grew up together in many aspects. We have shared our lives, our bed, our hopes, our dreams, our hurts and our hearts. How could you ever find that again? It doesn't happen twice. No one could would, or could ever understand me the way he does.
I would never want my children, no matter how old they might be, to feel that I was in some way trying to replace their father. Rich and I have both experienced that in our lives now, and its painful to say the least. I wouldn't want that to happen, ever. Rich and I both feel this way.
I will finish this post later today...
When you are that age, or my age of 36, you typically don't think about death very much. You start to see it as something that is inevitable, but so far away you really don't put much thought to it. After all, 40 is the new 30 which is the new 20, etc.
I, however, have had more than a few things happen to me in the past several years which have caused me to think about and sometimes dwell on my mortality... Losing my Mother was the first thing. I think that when we lose our parents it really makes us see our mortality for the first time in a harsh light. After all, if our parents, who are everything to us- our heroes, our caretakers-our everything. If they can die, then we can die too. This is a thought that I have obsessed about many times over the past 19 months. It's pretty scary, and takes some time getting used to.
Then having a husband in the army makes you think about mortality, too. And so often, well meaning but RUDE people ask you "What would you do if he died?" This question is what led me to post today, to answer that question for everyone once and for all.
So, what would I do if Rich made the ultimate sacrifice in Iraq? The answer is clear, and something that he and I have both talked about on numerous occasions.
I would be a Mom, I would be a Grandmother sometime in the future.
But I would never, NEVER, be a wife again.
I firmly believe that marriage is something that you do only once in your lifetime, if you are lucky enough to have that kind of love in your lifetime. Rich is so many things to me, my husband, my partner in every way, and most importantly my very best friend in the world. He and I grew up together in many aspects. We have shared our lives, our bed, our hopes, our dreams, our hurts and our hearts. How could you ever find that again? It doesn't happen twice. No one could would, or could ever understand me the way he does.
I would never want my children, no matter how old they might be, to feel that I was in some way trying to replace their father. Rich and I have both experienced that in our lives now, and its painful to say the least. I wouldn't want that to happen, ever. Rich and I both feel this way.
I will finish this post later today...
Back to Life
I guess since it's been 3 1/2 weeks now, I need to get back to the act of living... it's tough to do that though, when you feel like you are grieving.
I need to get to work on my transcriptioning, for a few reasons. One, Rich paid a lot of money for my training. Two, it will help pad our savings account and three, it will make the time go by faster.
I also started induction level low carbing again yesterday, which is good for me. I have had approximately 8-10 pounds creep up on me in the past year since my health has been particularly wonky. I want to get them off, plus at least 10-15 more. Ultimately, my end goal is to be the same size I was when Rich and I met 16+ years ago- a size 8! I think I can make it, but it is going to take dedication and hard work. I also feel so much better when I am low carbing, it's just hard to get back in the swing of things. So, let's see if I can lose 25 pounds over the next year. That's not a lofty goal, considering I lost more than 60 last deployment right? Of course, now I have my thyroid working against me as well.
The creeping cold bug has been crawling around my kids and making them, particularly Matthew miserable. Now Hannah has come down with it, and she stayed home today. The poor baby looks like a sheet she is so pale and has a terrible sore throat. I am starting to wonder if she is going to need to have her tonsils removed at some point in the future, as she gets strep throat at least 2-4 times per year.
Oh, for Rich's 4 day pass in March, I rented a beautiful house up in the Pocono's for us. It has an outdoor hot tub and a pool table. I am pretty excited about that and looking forward to spending some time together. Strangely, it is quite a bit cheaper than staying in a hotel and if you add the fact that we can cook our own food, it's an even better bargain. Yay!
That's about it for today, I will check in later this week.
I need to get to work on my transcriptioning, for a few reasons. One, Rich paid a lot of money for my training. Two, it will help pad our savings account and three, it will make the time go by faster.
I also started induction level low carbing again yesterday, which is good for me. I have had approximately 8-10 pounds creep up on me in the past year since my health has been particularly wonky. I want to get them off, plus at least 10-15 more. Ultimately, my end goal is to be the same size I was when Rich and I met 16+ years ago- a size 8! I think I can make it, but it is going to take dedication and hard work. I also feel so much better when I am low carbing, it's just hard to get back in the swing of things. So, let's see if I can lose 25 pounds over the next year. That's not a lofty goal, considering I lost more than 60 last deployment right? Of course, now I have my thyroid working against me as well.
The creeping cold bug has been crawling around my kids and making them, particularly Matthew miserable. Now Hannah has come down with it, and she stayed home today. The poor baby looks like a sheet she is so pale and has a terrible sore throat. I am starting to wonder if she is going to need to have her tonsils removed at some point in the future, as she gets strep throat at least 2-4 times per year.
Oh, for Rich's 4 day pass in March, I rented a beautiful house up in the Pocono's for us. It has an outdoor hot tub and a pool table. I am pretty excited about that and looking forward to spending some time together. Strangely, it is quite a bit cheaper than staying in a hotel and if you add the fact that we can cook our own food, it's an even better bargain. Yay!
That's about it for today, I will check in later this week.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Dentist
I have to go to the dentist on Thursday-- I dislike the dentist with a passion, in fact I am terrified of the dentist. And what is even worse is that I am going to the dentist because I know I have a cavity. I think I've had it for a few months now, but it is at the point now where it is throbbing and making my entire head hurt. I can avoid it no longer....
I am a pretty brave person, facing csections without much of a thought. Heck, a few years ago, I nearly cut my pinky off with a food processor blade and drove myself along with my 3 kids to the hospital where I got 13 stitches. I am not a wimp, except for when it comes to dental work and most particularly DRILLS!
I am a pretty brave person, facing csections without much of a thought. Heck, a few years ago, I nearly cut my pinky off with a food processor blade and drove myself along with my 3 kids to the hospital where I got 13 stitches. I am not a wimp, except for when it comes to dental work and most particularly DRILLS!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Brrrrr
It is so stinking cold today! At 5 pm, it's a balmy 19 degrees. I hate winter, especially January. I didn't get out of bed until almost 10 am today, because I knew it was going to be cold. So, I stayed in bed as long as I possibly could with the blankets pulled over my head.
All weekend, it's going to be frigid. Gosh, I can't wait until spring. At least when Rich is home, he makes January bearable for us.
We actually got to talk on the phone for about 20 minutes straight today, yay! I don't think he is enjoying this deployment any more than I am, in fact, probably less. I wish there was someting I could do to make it easier for him, but there really isn't.
Healthwise, I have been having a pretty good week. For those of you that know me well, you know that I have been struggling with GERD and sinus issues along with thyroid disease for the past 2 years. Most of the time, I feel totally wrung out, but this week, for some reason I feel pretty decent. I have been sleeping well too, which definitely makes a big difference. I even bought some exercise DVD's "Walk Away The Pounds" on the recommendation of a friend who has used them to great success. I need to break back into exercising gently... Today, I am not feeling as well as I have been. But I was rather emotional today about some things and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. Just keep me in your thoughts, that I can stay healthy and be the strong Mom I need to be for the kids.
Monday marks 3 weeks since Rich left, why does it seem like an eternity already? Our actual countdown looks like hmmm, let me get my calculator-- 362 days left. That's about right.
All weekend, it's going to be frigid. Gosh, I can't wait until spring. At least when Rich is home, he makes January bearable for us.
We actually got to talk on the phone for about 20 minutes straight today, yay! I don't think he is enjoying this deployment any more than I am, in fact, probably less. I wish there was someting I could do to make it easier for him, but there really isn't.
Healthwise, I have been having a pretty good week. For those of you that know me well, you know that I have been struggling with GERD and sinus issues along with thyroid disease for the past 2 years. Most of the time, I feel totally wrung out, but this week, for some reason I feel pretty decent. I have been sleeping well too, which definitely makes a big difference. I even bought some exercise DVD's "Walk Away The Pounds" on the recommendation of a friend who has used them to great success. I need to break back into exercising gently... Today, I am not feeling as well as I have been. But I was rather emotional today about some things and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. Just keep me in your thoughts, that I can stay healthy and be the strong Mom I need to be for the kids.
Monday marks 3 weeks since Rich left, why does it seem like an eternity already? Our actual countdown looks like hmmm, let me get my calculator-- 362 days left. That's about right.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Hidden Meaning of Amanda- Interesting!
| What Amanda Means |
 You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. |
I don't want to do this!!
Ok, just for the record- Deployments suck!! I suppose I should be "happy" about the 10 minutes per day I get to spend talking to my husband, but it is really on my nerves- already-and he hasn't even been gone 3 weeks yet!!
I really did not think that we would ever, ever have to do this again. Yet, here we are, round 2. This had better be it, I swear! Or I am going to drag him out of the army with a net. I am soooo tired of this crap.
To be fair, and completely honest, when I first found out that he was deploying, I wouldn't say that I was excited, but I was ok with it. We have some financial goals that we want to meet, and I really thought that this would help us in that direction, which it will. Yet, here we are, less than a month into it-- and I can't stand it. My kids are a wreck, and I don't think that I have ever been lonlier in my life.
I thought that this time would be easier, but it's by far harder.
Wahhhh!! I just want him to come home.
I really did not think that we would ever, ever have to do this again. Yet, here we are, round 2. This had better be it, I swear! Or I am going to drag him out of the army with a net. I am soooo tired of this crap.
To be fair, and completely honest, when I first found out that he was deploying, I wouldn't say that I was excited, but I was ok with it. We have some financial goals that we want to meet, and I really thought that this would help us in that direction, which it will. Yet, here we are, less than a month into it-- and I can't stand it. My kids are a wreck, and I don't think that I have ever been lonlier in my life.
I thought that this time would be easier, but it's by far harder.
Wahhhh!! I just want him to come home.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Heartbreaking
It should be said that the people affected by deployments the most in a family are invariably the youngest in the household. In this household, that would be Hannah. She misses her Dad so much... and it's so darn sad to see her sobbing each and every night and asking all sorts of impossible questions, like, "Why does Daddy have to go back there?", "Why can't someone elses Daddy go?" Those sorts of questions, the ones that of course, have no answer.
When Rich left the last time, I think at 6 she was too young to really understand what was going on. She had no real idea of how long a year was, and after she got past her initial crying, she was ok with Mom. But this time, at 10 1/2, she totally understands what is going on, and she knows just how long a year is.
She is not dealing with it well at all, not at all. I am hoping and praying that it gets easier for her, and for all of us VERY soon.
In other news, Rich reported to Ft Dix yesterday to begin his training. They should be there until approximately the middle of March before heading overseas. It looks like he will get a 4 day pass, but it will be at the end of the training period. So, we probably will not see him until March at some point. Sigh. It would be really cool if it was around Matt's birthday weekend. He hopes to come home for his R&R near Hannah's birthday. I sure hope he is able to! It would be the best birthday present for her, she is such a daddy's girl.
When Rich left the last time, I think at 6 she was too young to really understand what was going on. She had no real idea of how long a year was, and after she got past her initial crying, she was ok with Mom. But this time, at 10 1/2, she totally understands what is going on, and she knows just how long a year is.
She is not dealing with it well at all, not at all. I am hoping and praying that it gets easier for her, and for all of us VERY soon.
In other news, Rich reported to Ft Dix yesterday to begin his training. They should be there until approximately the middle of March before heading overseas. It looks like he will get a 4 day pass, but it will be at the end of the training period. So, we probably will not see him until March at some point. Sigh. It would be really cool if it was around Matt's birthday weekend. He hopes to come home for his R&R near Hannah's birthday. I sure hope he is able to! It would be the best birthday present for her, she is such a daddy's girl.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Whining
Ok, so this weekend, Rich's BN had "family day" and they were allowing the soldiers to have their wives and kids around. Today they are doing a bunch of pre-deployment stuff, most of which I am happy to miss. We talked about me and the kids coming out on Friday night, and spending the weekend with him. But, because of what he does in his job, his work load is insane right now, and he doesn't have any set time off. He decided, and I agreed, that it didn't make much sense for the kids and I to drive 8+ hours and maybe not be able to see him much.
There is a rumor of a pass next month, where we may be able to drive to NJ and hang out with him for a few days, but at this rate-- it's a rumor. And, even if it ends up being true, it's still a MONTH away.
He has only been gone for 2 weeks, and it already seems like forever. I am really not enjoying this deployment so far and he hasn't even gone anywhere yet!!
Sigh... I just miss him. I wish 2009 would hurry up and get here!
In the meantime, we are trying to do things to have some fun. Tomorrow night Hannah's school has a roller skating party at the local rink, and we are going. I have not been on roller skates since I was about 15, it should be interesting! Last night, the kids and I went out to the mall to hang out for a bit and ate at Red Lobster. It just doesn't seem right without Rich.
Today, I need to get off my rear and move some boxes up to our storage unit. I still have a cluttered up mess, and it's driving me crazy. But, I haven't really had the motivation to do anything about it so far. I also want to grab a bookshelf out of there for my room. I think we are going to try to make it to the YMCA today to swim and get some exercise. I told Hannah that she and I are going to diet and exercise. :-)
There is a rumor of a pass next month, where we may be able to drive to NJ and hang out with him for a few days, but at this rate-- it's a rumor. And, even if it ends up being true, it's still a MONTH away.
He has only been gone for 2 weeks, and it already seems like forever. I am really not enjoying this deployment so far and he hasn't even gone anywhere yet!!
Sigh... I just miss him. I wish 2009 would hurry up and get here!
In the meantime, we are trying to do things to have some fun. Tomorrow night Hannah's school has a roller skating party at the local rink, and we are going. I have not been on roller skates since I was about 15, it should be interesting! Last night, the kids and I went out to the mall to hang out for a bit and ate at Red Lobster. It just doesn't seem right without Rich.
Today, I need to get off my rear and move some boxes up to our storage unit. I still have a cluttered up mess, and it's driving me crazy. But, I haven't really had the motivation to do anything about it so far. I also want to grab a bookshelf out of there for my room. I think we are going to try to make it to the YMCA today to swim and get some exercise. I told Hannah that she and I are going to diet and exercise. :-)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
One Week Down
Who knows how many more to go... It still seems surreal that Rich is away again, and is preparing to head back overseas.
I miss him... And to be honest, I really don't want to do this right now. Do we have choice? No, not really.
He heads out to the mobilization site at the end of this week. Until then, there isn't much to report.
Our Bucks lost again last night... Grr
I will write more later.
I miss him... And to be honest, I really don't want to do this right now. Do we have choice? No, not really.
He heads out to the mobilization site at the end of this week. Until then, there isn't much to report.
Our Bucks lost again last night... Grr
I will write more later.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year
Well, it is now 2008. The kids and I rang in the new year last night, just the 4 of us. It's like deja vu.
Today was a lazy day, Matt and laid around most of the day watching football. If any of you were viewing us from afar, you would probably think that we were bi-polar. We were cheering vigorously for Michigan! Perhaps it's because they are a fellow big 10 team, or perhaps it's because they were playing Florida who embarassed our beloved Bucks so badly last year. Whatever the reason, we were rabid Wolverine fans today.
Or as Matt would say "Go Blue... I mean, go Big 10!" Ha
I made a pork roast and sauerkraut today for our new years meal. It was very good. It seemed really odd though, not to be having black eyed peas as well. That is Rich's favorite, and I am not a big fan of them. Ok, I don't like them at all. They taste like saw dust to me.
Today was also a day where reality started to slowly sink in... Rich is actually gone again, and 370 days is a long time. It's so strange, in many ways, it seems like he just came home the other day. I cannot even remember the exact day it was, I think January 14, 2005. When he walked off that plane and into my arms, I swore I would never let him go again.
I am so lucky that we have had him home with us for 3 years, yet 3 years is not long enough. I will miss him so terribly. I cannot even find the words to describe it.
Nothing makes me prouder than seeing my husband in uniform, and knowing that he is a part of what makes this country the best on earth- yet nothing breaks my heart more than seeing him in that uniform and knowing that as long as he is in the Army, he does not completely belong to me. I have to share him with Uncle Sam, and Uncle Sam can be very demanding of his time.
It's a paradox, and I am much too tired and weary to dwell on it today.
The kids go back to school to their new schools on Thursday, I think they are excited and ready for a new routine.
I will write more later, Happy New Year to all!
Today was a lazy day, Matt and laid around most of the day watching football. If any of you were viewing us from afar, you would probably think that we were bi-polar. We were cheering vigorously for Michigan! Perhaps it's because they are a fellow big 10 team, or perhaps it's because they were playing Florida who embarassed our beloved Bucks so badly last year. Whatever the reason, we were rabid Wolverine fans today.
Or as Matt would say "Go Blue... I mean, go Big 10!" Ha
I made a pork roast and sauerkraut today for our new years meal. It was very good. It seemed really odd though, not to be having black eyed peas as well. That is Rich's favorite, and I am not a big fan of them. Ok, I don't like them at all. They taste like saw dust to me.
Today was also a day where reality started to slowly sink in... Rich is actually gone again, and 370 days is a long time. It's so strange, in many ways, it seems like he just came home the other day. I cannot even remember the exact day it was, I think January 14, 2005. When he walked off that plane and into my arms, I swore I would never let him go again.
I am so lucky that we have had him home with us for 3 years, yet 3 years is not long enough. I will miss him so terribly. I cannot even find the words to describe it.
Nothing makes me prouder than seeing my husband in uniform, and knowing that he is a part of what makes this country the best on earth- yet nothing breaks my heart more than seeing him in that uniform and knowing that as long as he is in the Army, he does not completely belong to me. I have to share him with Uncle Sam, and Uncle Sam can be very demanding of his time.
It's a paradox, and I am much too tired and weary to dwell on it today.
The kids go back to school to their new schools on Thursday, I think they are excited and ready for a new routine.
I will write more later, Happy New Year to all!
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